Search Results

ARIESAs your body rolls into the furnace at the crematorium after a full and lucrative life, inconsolable family members look on in tears. As per your instru... Read more »

ARIESBeing a bodybuilder and having a severe allergy to mosquito bites is the perfect combo for getting turbo-ripped prior to competition. Using a shot glass... Read more »

ARIESDating is essentially a sex interview and you immediately fluff the introduction, not sure whether to go for a handshake or hug. You nervously choke out... Read more »

ARIES Shat into being by the Big Bang. In and out of great supernovae we were flung in our aeon-long paths in our various pieces across the vacuum; pulled, ... Read more »

ARIES April sees you take David Cameron’s Thomas The Tank Engine face, cut it off, stick it to a real train and then crash it into another train with ... Read more »

ARIESSince you have been reincarnated in your current form, you can only imagine what horrors you must have committed in a past life. TAURUSAs your plan... Read more »

ARIES April sees you discover a demonic real-life computer game cheat written in an ancient grimoire. Jump, jump, blink, blink, squat, step forwards, step ba... Read more »

ARIES After fitting a new kitchen, the plumber accidentally connects your water pipes up to Europe’s largest Industrial Sperm Bank complex. Taking a sh... Read more »

ARIES All those hours under a microscope carving your CV in tiny hieroglyphs onto chicken beaks comes to nothing. Not a single employer even bothers to reply... Read more »

ARIES Landing a finance job at Canary Wharf the yellow-eyed intern showing you around the office habitat boasts about the “heat mats under each floor.&... Read more »

ARIESUranus slides back into your sign in May, leaving an immense skidmark all the way across the night sky. TAURUSWhen you die this month God takes you to ... Read more »

ARIESEvery time you touch your penis it swells up. Makes you think you might have an allergy. Talking to the doctor about possible causes, you tell them you&... Read more »

ARIESThis month your flatmates bring up the issue of you flushing your empty beer cans down the toilet. After a heated exchange, culminating in them drawing ... Read more »

ARIESFlowers may be growing in your heart, a lark may be singing boisterously of love in your brain, but in your trousers a worm dies of loneliness. TAURUST... Read more »

ARIESIn August your garden-makeover TV show commences filming. You set to work on the first garden by installing a giant immovable granite skull in the centr... Read more »

ARIES Saturn’s adverse ring angle means you find yourself still inhabiting a rat-infested basement with a broken toilet and no lights in March. Try no... Read more »

ARIESThrough your Fisher Price binoculars you spot more UFOs. This time there are thousands of them, looking almost exactly like love heart balloons. You cat... Read more »

ARIES Your soul is so jam-packed and weighed down with demons that your local witch-doctor finally classifies it as ‘morbidly obese.’ You should ... Read more »

ARIESYour increasing appetite for extreme pornography reaches the point where you’re forced to mathematically calculate the theoretical erotic value of... Read more »

ARIES You just can’t seem to empathise fully with others until you’ve walked around for a day in their skin and hair. It’s the only way you... Read more »

ARIES This month you invent an ingenious solar powered bulldozer for decimating the Amazon rainforest in a carbon-neutral manner. TAURUS Though you can some... Read more »

ARIES To make your dog walking job easier you create a dog centipede by stitching together a dozen thoroughbred canines snout to bumhole. It’s so much ... Read more »

ARIES In April the BBC commission a pilot of your ultra-realistic soap opera, where all the characters do is talk about all the soap operas they watched on T... Read more »

ARIESAfter tasting your sperm the witch doctor concedes that you probably have a low sperm count. His prescription is to sleep with a decorative pejazzle of ... Read more »

ARIESWith a sense of inevitable resignation you realise you’ve been using your flatmate’s bumhole toothbrush for the past week. Still, if you wil... Read more »

ARIESIn November you are accepted as an astronaut on Mars One, a privately-underfunded one-way suicide mission to slam the first three ghosts into the surfac... Read more »

ARIESIt’s hard to be yourself at interviews. That’s because you turn up wearing someone else’s face, thus inviting more difficult questions... Read more »

ARIESLIFE HACK: If you ring 911, the American police turn up. You can use this neat little trick to arrest any British police that might get in your way. I d... Read more »

ARIESIt’s very important whenever you're asked to lift a heavy object, to keep your back and knees straight, your arms by your side and make a honking ... Read more »

ARIESA policeman is exactly the right size and shape to be used as a dildo for a giant. TAURUSYou're honoured to be asked to be the best man at your brother... Read more »