Crystal Baws: June 2017 Horoscopes

ARIES
Dating is essentially a sex interview and you immediately fluff the introduction, not sure whether to go for a handshake or hug. You nervously choke out some boilerplate platitudes as your interviewer tuts, shaking their head while you answer their probing questions with a series of ill-advised anecdotes. Pulling it back, you mention you excel at having sex by yourself or as part of a team, but they’re unimpressed by your experience or when you encourage them to ring two of your exes for sex references.

TAURUS
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Agonise over the large stuff you have no control over.

GEMINI
You really do have a heart of gold. Scientists are puzzled how you’re even alive while many a wizened old prospector attempts to mine your chest for its precious contents. Ironically the heart’s heavy weight and numerous related health problems have turned you bitter and cruel.

CANCER
Pregnancy is like growing a sofa in your living room until it’s so big you have to break off the sides of the door or saw a hole in the wall just to get it out.

LEO
Your life isn’t even half-baked, God forgot to turn the oven on and there’s been a power cut.

VIRGO
This month an AI robot strides confidently from the smouldering ruins of the Google building with a beard stuck on it and calls itself God.

LIBRA
You ask the plumber fixing your broken toilet when it was he first got so obsessed with plumbing.

SCORPIO
You go to the Whisky Buttchugging Festival to get away and experience the finest whiskies of mankind poured down your crack by master blenders. A sensory experience. “I’ll buttchug a little glass,” you think. “Stick a dreg down my bum lips for a wee taster.” You can sniff the delicate aromas on the tip of your guts as the master blender pours another oaky dram down the wrong booze hole.

SAGITTARIUS
You’re inclined to believe humans are capable of altering the molecular structure of physical objects with their minds. I’d suggest you use these new powers to create more brains inside your own skull with which you can reappraise the situation.

CAPRICORN
The publisher writes back and suggests your autobiography might be better suited to leaflet format. A few bulletpoints here, an extra large title and the back page rented out with an advert for a popular local takeaway.

AQUARIUS
This month you get tested and find out you’re an Aquarius.

PISCES
You listen rapturously to David Icke’s new Hollow Dog Theory. It all makes perfect sense! Of course the government will deny dogs are hollow, there’s too much money in the dog industry for them to say otherwise. But then to your horror you find out the vets are in on it too after taking your dog to get refilled and the Illuminati shill vet insists he doesn’t know what you’re on about.