Crystal Baws: July 2017 Horoscopes

ARIES
LIFE HACK: If you ring 911, the American police turn up. You can use this neat little trick to arrest any British police that might get in your way. I don’t know what the FBI hotline is, but it’s also worth a shot if the American cops stray beyond their jurisdiction or go rogue.

TAURUS
After dying surrounded by loved ones and a kindly priest at your bedside, you’re furious to find your body being reassimilated into the earth and your cells reconstituted afresh in an ongoing and beautiful molecular symphony, far grander than the gilded paradise you were promised, with those everlasting dinner party orgies attended by Einstein, Babe Ruth and Marilyn Monroe as winged toddlers pour God’s blood into your groaning mouth.

GEMINI
This month you finally commence what is sure to be heralded as your masterwork: a 358,000 page novelisation of Eastenders.

CANCER
When the dinosaurs escape from your ill-considered and poorly-fenced park, you activate the contingency plan: take shelter in the kitchen beneath the pots and pans and pray that a heroic asteroid will come and save the day.

LEO
In many ways you’re like 350gsm artboard. Nice and thick.

VIRGO
Hosting swinger parties is difficult. There’s so much admin as you watch people being fucked every which way, tits doing air-circles as you reply to emails. It’s tough trying to compile spreadsheets through your jizz covered laptop screen, accidentally stapling a ballsack onto a stack of application forms.

LIBRA
You’re reassured that your government knows what it’s talking about when you look Brexit up in the dictionary to find:

Brexit
Pronunciation /ˈbrɛgzɪt/
Definition: Brexit.
(See also: ‘Brexit’)

SCORPIO
The Old Testament tells us that the female skeleton is in fact just a giant rib with eye holes and a special groove for the mouth. It’s just a case of waiting for mainstream science to catch up. Christian scientists discovered recently all ribs are in fact a tiny unrealised human female, leading some pro-life activists to demand every rib on the planet is removed and developed into a full person.

SAGITTARIUS
Going into hospital for your apprentisitis, you’re introduced to your new 9-year-old surgeon who you’ve been assured is really really good at the Operation board game. NHS chiefs boast that despite complaints of understaffing these steely-gripped micro-surgeons can get all the crazy objects out of a man’s body without even once setting off his light-up nose alarm. The young anaesthetist then enters, asking you to spin round and round really fast until you get so dizzy you fall over.

CAPRICORN
If we’re all one, then you’re filling us all up with Rustlers microwavable sandwiches. You’re the worst part of the Universe.

AQUARIUS
Funny how when you lose something it’s always in the last place you lost it.

PISCES
People think you don’t have enough in common with your husband, but you reassure them that a love of crisps, a fondness for the colour blue and having birthdays that are only three months apart is a reliable, fulfilling foundation for marriage.