Crystal Baws: October 2015 Horoscopes

ARIES
It’s hard to be yourself at interviews. That’s because you turn up wearing someone else’s face, thus inviting more difficult questions than you otherwise would. Just take the face off, smile and be yourself.

TAURUS
Arguing with your partner about who gets to drink and who gets to drive, you reach a compromise whereby you both get to drink and both have to drive, one doing the brake, the other in charge of the accelerator, with an arm each on the steering wheel.

GEMINI
Take care not to achieve too much success, otherwise your likeness ends up immortalised in bronze and erected in a public space where pigeons take turns to land on your head and bukkake your metal face with their excrement all day, every day.

CANCER
If you like lie-ins, you’ll absolutely love being dead.

LEO
Your new time system has some teething troubles when the slow-minded investors in your fledgling clock business are late for the meeting you set for '4.5 o’clock' since according to your new, more logical system, that would obviously stand for 'half of nine.' They got confused, because they thought that half-nine meant 9.5 o’clock, when in fact 9.5 times two is clearly 19 o’clock, which is 7pm, which equals half of 14:00, or 2pm in the afternoon.

VIRGO
In October you land a part in the new Adam Sandler comedy, in which a rich man is mildly inconvenienced by a random scenario pulled from a hat five minutes prior to the start of filming.

LIBRA
Finding your soulmate would require you having a soul in the first place. You’re all peel, there’s no orange.

SCORPIO
This month you construct an alarm clock the size of a small building to help you wake up from The Matrix. It doesn’t work, it just perforates your avatar’s eardrums and renders you as a perfect simulation of a deaf person for the rest of your enslaved lifecycle.

SAGITTARIUS
Yes, your better half has left you – sawing your body in half in the dead of the night, it hopped away somewhere to seek a better life with more opportunity. You’d be the first to admit, you were holding it back from achieving its goals.

CAPRICORN
If you died tomorrow there’d be a hell of a lot of ticks, lice, crabs and fleas that would really miss you and probably never get over it.

AQUARIUS
Prior to moving in, your new home was unfurnished, but since then you’ve wanked so much and cleaned so little you formed a memory foam mattress made of tissue paper hardened by your DNA. Sleeping on a billion fossilised tadpoles, filled with blueprints for making another you, you can now say with confidence to visiting relatives that the furniture is so you.

PISCES
After winning at the Supreme Court you at last get an eviction order for your unborn child who has done nothing but leech off you since day one. Unless it’s prepared to go out and get a job like a real baby.