Crystal Baws: September 2017 Horoscopes

ARIES
It’s very important whenever you're asked to lift a heavy object, to keep your back and knees straight, your arms by your side and make a honking sound until they stop asking you to lift it. If the object still requires lifting, even after prolonged honking, it’s advised in the Health & Safety manual to stretch your legs towards the exit.

TAURUS
Wolf Fucking demonstrations at the zoo are at midday, 3pm and 6pm. Come and marvel at the skill of the handlers.

GEMINI
You watch in natural wonder as the spider in the corner of your room pulls the bluebottle trapped in its web towards its fangs and then sucks the juice from it like a Capri Sun.

CANCER
This month you finally take the plunge and take your tough, protective shell off to be vulnerable in front of your partner. This is only advised for relationships with some star signs. For instance, if your lover is an Aquarius then they’re just a lifeless jug with eyeballs that sits motionless on a shelf all day. Nothing to worry about there.

LEO
If you’re ever unsure of which path to take, listen to your heart. Listen to it go squelch-squelch, squelch-squelch, squelch-squelch.

VIRGO
In September you find out Batman has died when you see the Bathearse blast solemnly past your house towards the secret underground Batgrave.

LIBRA
Jesus always says that he’s coming soon, but he never does, leaving you with jaw ache.

SCORPIO
This month you invent a back patting machine. Hoping it will immediately congratulate you for creating it, instead the hydraulics malfunction and it makes light work of the nearest wall, patting through it as if it were paper. For three hours it runs amok in the city centre, killing nine and wounding 29 more. You ring your PR agent to see if there’s any way you can spin this.

SAGITTARIUS
You’re always one to put yourself on the line for others, like when you’re at a restaurant and you insist on generously testing all of everyone’s food and wine for poison. Their shock at your selfless sacrifice is the only thanks you need.

CAPRICORN
Like goats, Capricorns are excellent organisers and their thin milk makes delicious cheese.

AQUARIUS
You’re aghast at how much dog porn there is on the internet. Every day you spend hours trawling through thousands of graphic dog images, shaking your head in disgust and calling your wife in to see how disgusting it all is. As another appalling canine blowjob snap rolls out from the overworked printer, you wonder what sort of sick monsters are looking at this stuff?

PISCES
You know your cat has fleas, you tell the vet, because you gave them to it. It also has a motorbike.