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Comedy
Crystal Baws: January 2014 Horoscopes
ARIES This month you invent an ingenious solar powered bulldozer for decimating the Amazon rainforest in a carbon-neutral manner. TAURUS Though you can some... Read more »| Updated over 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: May 2014 Horoscopes
ARIES To make your dog walking job easier you create a dog centipede by stitching together a dozen thoroughbred canines snout to bumhole. It’s so much ... Read more »| Updated about 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: April 2014 Horoscopes
ARIES In April the BBC commission a pilot of your ultra-realistic soap opera, where all the characters do is talk about all the soap operas they watched on T... Read more »| Updated about 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: September 2014 Horoscopes
ARIESAfter tasting your sperm the witch doctor concedes that you probably have a low sperm count. His prescription is to sleep with a decorative pejazzle of ... Read more »| Updated over 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: October 2014 Horoscopes
ARIESWith a sense of inevitable resignation you realise you’ve been using your flatmate’s bumhole toothbrush for the past week. Still, if you wil... Read more »| Updated over 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: November 2014 Horoscopes
ARIESIn November you are accepted as an astronaut on Mars One, a privately-underfunded one-way suicide mission to slam the first three ghosts into the surfac... Read more »| Updated over 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: October 2015 Horoscopes
ARIESIt’s hard to be yourself at interviews. That’s because you turn up wearing someone else’s face, thus inviting more difficult questions... Read more »| Updated over 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: July 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESLIFE HACK: If you ring 911, the American police turn up. You can use this neat little trick to arrest any British police that might get in your way. I d... Read more »| Updated almost 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: September 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESIt’s very important whenever you're asked to lift a heavy object, to keep your back and knees straight, your arms by your side and make a honking ... Read more »| Updated over 6 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: August 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESA policeman is exactly the right size and shape to be used as a dildo for a giant. TAURUSYou're honoured to be asked to be the best man at your brother... Read more »| Updated almost 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: July 2016 Horoscopes
After more than five years of reading your stars month in, month out, Mystic Mark has decided it's time to take a holiday. We've used the opportunity to delv... Read more »| Updated almost 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: February 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESYou’ve only eaten bog roll for two years but you’re still alive. Just goes to prove that science is bullshit. TAURUSNo matter how many of t... Read more »| Updated over 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: February 2012 Horoscopes
ARIESThis month you finally find your soul mate. Lucky for you it turns out to be twins.TAURUS10 minutes after taking the red pill you’re still enthusi... Read more »| Updated over 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: August 2012 Horoscopes
ARIES This month your local priest finally agrees to consecrate your bottle of Buckfast, thus adding a heavy dose of caffeine, sodium glycerophosphate, dipot... Read more »| Updated almost 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: September 2012 Horoscopes
ARIES When the star M38b unexpectedly goes supernova in September an entire section of your personality suddenly disappears. It is the astrological equivalen... Read more »| Updated over 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: August 2013 Horoscopes
ARIES Finally you go on that holiday to Thailand hoping to find yourself. Instead you end up finding bits of yourself in the hotel shower plug hole after con... Read more »| Updated almost 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: November 2013 Horoscopes
ARIES This month God breaks millennia of silence to speak directly to you, telling you that he thinks you probably have schizophrenia and you should get some... Read more »| Updated over 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: August 2014 Horoscopes
ARIESIn a bid to convince your new neighbours that they needn’t worry about you, you invite the whole street round for tea, biscuits and a three-hour P... Read more »| Updated almost 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: December 2014 Horoscopes
ARIESArians like to experiment in the bedroom, and are no stranger to introducing sex toys such a vibrators, handcuffs, car batteries and groin-mounted rat T... Read more »| Updated over 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: February 2015 Horoscopes
ARIESWhen your wife asks you if her bum looks big in a new dress, always tell her the truth: that you are the Lord of Chaos and that upon the rising of the b... Read more »| Updated over 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: April 2015 Horoscopes
ARIESUpon entering my meditation tent, you must first remove any distracting items such as wallets, purses or phones and place them inside the gold container... Read more »| Updated about 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: March 2015 Horoscopes
ARIESThis month, having heard that methane released in cow farts is a major factor contributing to global warming, you invent a revolutionary new wind turbin... Read more »| Updated about 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: February 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESYour circle of friends appears to be just that; a circle of sinister hooded figures stood around you chanting ancient Satanic mantras. TAURUSPerfume ad... Read more »| Updated over 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: December 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESThis year the ghost of Christmas past is a bit too far in the past, it’s a Neanderthal from 500,000 BC – blindly unaware of the birth of Chr... Read more »| Updated over 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: April 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESAnything you do in the garden is called gardening: rolling around in the mud drunk, smoking a few tabs and shouting at the neighbour’s cat. It can... Read more »| Updated about 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: May 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESIn May when the new Tory Sleepworking Initiative comes into force, job-seekers will need to prove they were looking for work even during REM sleep. For ... Read more »| Updated about 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: April 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESTo make matters worse, this month you find out that ISIS don’t even believe in Santa. TAURUSGive your body clock a good wind up with half a beak ... Read more »| Updated about 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: September 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESOur God is a nerd god – the universe He made is all about geek subjects like mathematics and science. Not like the cool Gods out there who built e... Read more »| Updated over 7 years ago -
Comedy
Comedy comes first: Ellie Taylor on her debut tour
There will be many stand-ups whose parents question their offspring's career choice, but this can't be said of Ellie Taylor's mum. When her daughter secured ... Read more »| Updated about 9 years ago -
Comedy
Project You Three: Words with award-winning comedian JD Brown
JD Brown has racked up more than 1000 miles since launching his comedy career just last February. From Inverness to Bristol, Brown has made crowds laugh wit... Read more »| Updated about 9 years ago