Crystal Baws: February 2017 Horoscopes

ARIES
You’ve only eaten bog roll for two years but you’re still alive. Just goes to prove that science is bullshit.

TAURUS
No matter how many of the healing crystals you snort, you don’t seem to heal, just jabber on about how you want more crystals. Do you have any more crystals? I’m gonna have some more crystals. Do you want some? Do you have the number for the crystal guy?

GEMINI
God’s giant face comes burning through clouds this February to apologise for how violent he was back in the salad days.

CANCER
At mass your entire congregation gets food poisoning after Jesus’s body goes off after being left against a damp wall.

LEO
This month you can’t tell if that’s the sound of the fire alarm over all the loud crackling, burning noises and roaring heat blasting through your home. You get out of bed to have a look, but can’t make out whether the little red light on the alarm is flashing for all the thick, black smoke.

VIRGO
It’s not that you’re addicted to drugs, you just prefer to be on more drugs all the time.

LIBRA
You’re deeply concerned your child is a pervert after they keep asking for a ‘happy ending’ at the end of their bedtime stories.

SCORPIO
You tend to get so Christian after a couple of lines of coke.

SAGITTARIUS
This month your application for a sainthood for Brian Harvey is accepted by the local bishop. Evidence of miracles include his ability to run over his own head with his own car.

CAPRICORN
When it comes to believing in yourself you’re more of an agnostic.

AQUARIUS
You buy a dog in order to meet other dog-owning singles in the park. Sadly the only romantic thing that happens is your dog meets another dog, falling madly in love at first bum-sniff. Looking at the two dog soulmates, so happy and together, you decide it’s time to have him put down and go back to Tinder.

PISCES
On holiday, while exploring a desert cave you uncover a magic lamp. Upon rubbing its dusty sides a genie puffs out and graciously grants you, his new master, three wishes! You think for a moment before reciting your wishes in order: that he, the genie, should be immortal, that he feels all sensations including pain twelve trillion times more than a normal human, and that he is tortured for all eternity in a hell built from his worst fears.