Crystal Baws: December 2016 Horoscopes

ARIES
This year the ghost of Christmas past is a bit too far in the past, it’s a Neanderthal from 500,000 BC – blindly unaware of the birth of Christ as he won’t be born for another half-million years – bursting into your bedroom in the dead of night and howling in hairy confusion. The ghost of Christmas future meanwhile is the consciousness of Santa downloaded into an AI mainframe and then erased by a virus.

TAURUS
This month you meet the man of your nightmares and live sadly ever after.

GEMINI
For serial killing Gemini, Christmas is the time when you defrost all the bags of dismembered bell-ends and stuff them with sage, onions and parsley, bang them in the oven and get all of the skeletons out of your closet for the dinner.

CANCER
In December the WTO votes to pass regulation under international trade law that Santa’s operation is monopolistic, forcing Father Christmas to break it up and open the door to corporate enterprise. Now on Christmas Eve, thousands of private zero-hour contract santas crisscross the frosty night sky, stuffing so many useless gifts down chimneys for the residents inside it’s like that scene in Watership Down.

LEO
You finally realise that there is no such thing as darkness in the soul. There is no soul after all. Just meat.

VIRGO
Everyone’s heard of Christmas, but have you heard of Christ-Mash? Christ Jesus, Lord on High, once shared out packets of dehydrated potato starch among his followers, miraculously feeding the five thousand with a single 300g packet by simply adding water. Its expanding potato-like foam hardens into starch-rich vegetable substitute in minutes, so you can save £££s as well as your soul.

LIBRA
Boxing Day is the day we commemorate the afterbirth of Jesus, which was eaten by the first donkey to be made a saint.

SCORPIO
Pulling 50p coins from behind children's ears might be entertaining, but as your bank manager explains, it is not a business plan.

SAGITTARIUS
This Christmas in Bethlehem you pick through the shattered rubble of your once proud Inn, pulling mangled and bloody children from the wreckage and taking refuge in the barn, where your wife wails into the night over the roar of fighter jets dropping more bombs from the Heavens.

CAPRICORN
This month as you prepare to have guests around for Christmas dinner, it dawns on you that the toilet is the only chair you own. Not to worry, simply ask each guest to take it in turns sitting to have dinner while the rest play parlour games downstairs. You can cut the turkey on the cistern, dump the steaming veg in the bath, make trifle for dessert in the sink, and they can request extra helpings of gravy or sprouts via an in-house communication system based on flushing.

AQUARIUS
This month you spend all of your money on a lavishly expensive wallet.

PISCES
You can only communicate through registered trademarks, reminding your family that when it comes to your newborn child, “I’m Loving It” and that they should all remember to “Eat Fresh”.