Crystal Baws: February 2015 Horoscopes

ARIES
When your wife asks you if her bum looks big in a new dress, always tell her the truth: that you are the Lord of Chaos and that upon the rising of the blood moon you shall ascend into immortal demonhood and spill humanity’s blood across the stars. Assuring her that even if it takes 1,000 years you will take your vengeance against mankind.

TAURUS
With the onslaught of winter your chakra energy bills are going through the roof. To try and save money you put your vibrational frequencies on a timer but with two bills still outstanding your guru demands full payment or he’ll send round the spirit bailiffs to repossess your soul and sell it at auction.

GEMINI
Whatever race you are don’t try to race ahead in the rat race. Instead try to be a member of the human race, racing in a car.

CANCER
This month you forget to, erm, do that thing.

LEO
Sometimes you can’t help but think how much easier things would be if only you weren’t trapped inside a storage container at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

VIRGO
Your teen prodigy son feverishly completes his Naked Lady Across the Road Observatory (NLARO) on the roof of your home in February. The mirror is 5x the size of its predecessor, and is powerful enough to chart the hidden flesh of your nearest neighbour, giving your son access to reams more data and allowing him to build a computer model he can then manipulate in the lab. He plans to publish his findings after the summer holidays with infrared images of unprecedented resolution giving never before seen glimpses through the frosted glass of the Naked Lady’s bathroom window. This work could overturn months of accepted thinking amongst teen-scientists about the scale and density of the Naked Lady’s boob bags. The teenage community welcomes the news, especially after a critical failure of last year’s rover mission, when it was destroyed upon landing by an angry husband.

LIBRA
You often get the sense the dead are hovering around you, but it’s simply the self-released fumes from the slightly-off chilli con carne you ate last night.

SCORPIO
It has been said that there are more stars in the cosmos than there are grains of rice in a 1kg bag of rice.

SAGITTARIUS
This month you find out that your entire life has been a cruel TV prank hosted by Ashton Kutcher.

CAPRICORN
You start snowboarding to work.

AQUARIUS
Although you never took your drug dealer for a New Age type, in February he suggests you take a month-long Crystal Meth healing retreat behind the bins at Farmfoods.

PISCES
Plant the seeds of love, grow that love, harvest the love, herd the love into the thrashing gears of the mincing machine, then mechanically reform any leftover love into a pale block of affection-flavoured love substitute.