Crystal Baws: August 2014 Horoscopes

ARIES
In a bid to convince your new neighbours that they needn’t worry about you, you invite the whole street round for tea, biscuits and a three-hour Powerpoint presentation detailing all the times you could have murdered a child, but didn’t. As they leave, evidently reassured, you warmly hand them each a laminated dossier about all the dogs you haven’t skinned.

TAURUS
You insist that you’re not a premature ejaculator; you’re just incredibly efficient.

GEMINI
In a bid to escape the crushing heat, you prepare a tray of refreshing ice dildos in the freezer.

CANCER
As a proud supporter of David Icke, you believe the only way to end the global reptilian conspiracy is to force the shapeshifters to wear yellow badges while out in public.

LEO
I would tell you the results of your AIDS test, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

VIRGO
Wanting to move house, but lacking funds, you cram each room with enormous quantities of rotting meat and maggots before welding the doors and windows shut. At the helm in your sealed off control room you await the hatching and before long your home is alive with the cacophonous buzz of forty million bluebottles. The immense lift generated causes the foundations to crack and you whoop with delight as the writhing black engine pops your house from its crater, floating like a brick balloon in the grey Glasgow sky. But no sooner have you left the ground than the pressure gauge alarm sounds and the shuddering door bursts off its hinges, unleashing a solid swarm of fizzing hell into the room and instantly smothering you in a crunchy ocean of thick horror. With your skeleton still at the controls, the insatiable, sentient death house flies off into the sunset in search of fresh victims.

LIBRA
They say you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you. Sadly, this month you snap your hard-on while trying to bend it up your bumhole. Nobody will ever love you now.

SCORPIO
Your shed is a hive of activity this month as you complete a working prototype of your goat fucking machine.

SAGITTARIUS
God doesn’t believe in you either.

CAPRICORN
The only disability in life is a bad attitude. That and not having any legs.

AQUARIUS
See last month.

PISCES
For a Buddhist you really can be quite an inconsiderate prick.