Crystal Baws: April 2016 Horoscopes
Mystic Mark returns with his April predictions, turning his powers to technology, the Islamic State, and your cat
ARIES
To make matters worse, this month you find out that ISIS don’t even believe in Santa.
TAURUS
Give your body clock a good wind up with half a beak worth of cocaine.
GEMINI
This month you do a fart so bad your family stops going to church.
CANCER
You’re a freedom fighter. No matter what it takes, you will crush freedom wherever you find it. Stomping it out with your thick black boots.
LEO
Complicated Leo is often compared to a jigsaw puzzle, but that’s because you’re pathologically dull and spend all your time hiding in a cupboard at the old people’s home.
VIRGO
In April, while observing a local cluster of heavenly bodies, your teen astronomer son inadvertently discovers something remarkable: a brown star. Hitherto only thought to exist in theory, the rare sight was glimpsed through the bathroom window of your nearest neighbour by your son’s powerful new telescope. Though only seen for a fraction of a second, the grainy images give the teenage community a lot to think about. Based on preliminary data, many local teen-scientists have given fascinating presentations on how they would go about probing the neighbouring brown star, although considering their current stage of technological and social development, these proposals remain mere flights of fancy.
LIBRA
Your cat dies this month after you heroically fire it into space.
SCORPIO
You love having a large family but you often have to freeze most of it for later.
SAGITTARIUS
In April you lose both your eyes in a skiing accident, but luckily paramedics are on hand to pop a pair of emergency fake eyes in there and send you on your way.
CAPRICORN
You’re kind and considerate. For instance you like to buy tins of pre-murdered food for your cat so he doesn’t have to go out and murder it for himself.
AQUARIUS
Having frequently enjoyed smoking a joint after sex, this month you decide to honk on a mid-sex bong.
PISCES
You’ve got to stop calling an ambulance every time you need a shit.
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