Crystal Baws: April 2017 Horoscopes

ARIES
Anything you do in the garden is called gardening: rolling around in the mud drunk, smoking a few tabs and shouting at the neighbour’s cat. It can be a tough day’s work toiling out there in the heat of the midday sun, wiping the sweat from your brow and pegging slugs over the fence with a tennis racket.

TAURUS
This month you fall in love with your own penis. For your third date with the penis you take it out to a nice restaurant for a candlelit meal, sexily feeling each other up under the table. Looking deep into its eye you start to believe your penis might be ‘the one’, but back at the flat you are heartbroken to realise you don’t have another penis to make love to your own penis with.

GEMINI
After the family cat Mr. Snuggles dies this month you decide to hollow him into a glove and immortalise him as an abominable hand puppet to console your children in their grief.

CANCER
If God created you in His own image then He’s got a cracking pair of tits.

LEO
It turns out you are the bread loser of the family. Stop losing all the bread. Now think, where did you last see the bread?

VIRGO
This month you are repossessed by a demon.

LIBRA
Physicists have long-known the entire universe in which we exist is God’s vast S&M dungeon, having observed through gigantic telescopes the mysterious spectacle, billions of years ago, of the Lord God attaching black holes to his nipples, smashing his balls between two neutron stars, and, alarmingly, plucking entire planets out of the ether and slotting them up his arse. Scientists think it is only a matter of time before the Lord Creator begins using Earth to satisfy His perverse urges, as was foretold in the Book of Revelation.

SCORPIO
You start shrinking.

SAGITTARIUS
Living below a 24 hour abattoir is bad enough for noise, but you should really get the landlord to sort out the leaking ceiling.

CAPRICORN
You win £10 on a scratchcard and blow the lot on bin liners to collect up all the mountains of scratchcards littering your flat.

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PISCES
In April you check your bucket list again:
Sniff an ape’s crotch
Eat an entire packet of crisps
Do a poo on top of a plane
Punch a robot
Plummet to death