Crystal Baws: July 2016 Horoscopes

After more than five years of reading your stars month in, month out, Mystic Mark has decided it's time to take a holiday. We've used the opportunity to delve into the archives and bring you a greatest hits selection of some of his top predictions. They should still apply to the month ahead...

ARIES
Lately you’ve been working your way into the heart of a certain someone special, really getting to know them inside. In July however, a malfunction in the miniaturisation ray causes your microscopic vessel to expand without warning, exploding out of their body in a flash of meat and metal. With the engines powering down and the windscreen wipers moving guts back and forth across your cockpit window, you stumble out into a dripping red living room for a scream-filled meeting with the parents of the person you spent the last fortnight inside.

TAURUS
Yes, you’re living the dream. But it’s the one where you’re naked and all your teeth fall out.

GEMINI
Your Tory lover takes your 'friends with benefits' relationship a bit too seriously, making you fill out forms to prove you’ve actively been seeking and/or have been available for sex each week. Your lover reminds you that you could lose your Friends With Benefits status for up to 13 weeks if you: leave a sex act voluntarily; fail to take part in a mandatory sex act; fail to produce a completed sex diary when asked.

CANCER
Despite your staunch atheism and general lack of superstition, that first wank after the death of a relative is always an uneasy one.

LEO
Like the lion, you don’t have a job.

VIRGO
Don't get cocky with how good things are going because this July you wake up in your basket to the sudden and harrowing realisation it's February 1951, your owner lives in Middlesborough, your entire life was merely a dog's dream and you're an arthritic Jack Russell terrier called Keith.

LIBRA
This month after finding out you’re pregnant, you begin inexorably mutating into a two-headed, eight-limbed monster which craves flesh.

SCORPIO
Uranus has been bleeding since a NASA probe visited it in 2010, and it enters your sign this month. You have my sympathies.

SAGITTARIUS
Like your sphincter, you tend to relax after a few drinks.

CAPRICORN
Your technical skills in achieving your fetish goals reach new heights this month when you successfully scuba dive inside a whale’s vagina for a wank.

AQUARIUS
Russell Grant’s star sign is Cunt.

PISCES
Wanting to move house but lacking funds, you cram each room with enormous quantities of rotting meat and maggots before welding the doors and windows shut. At the helm in your sealed off control room you await the hatching, and before long your home is alive with the cacophonous buzz of forty million bluebottles. The immense lift generated causes the foundations to crack and you whoop with delight as the writhing black engine pops your house from its crater, floating like a brick balloon in the grey Glasgow sky. But no sooner have you left the ground than the pressure gauge alarm sounds and the shuddering door bursts off its hinges unleashing a solid swarm of fizzing hell into the room, instantly smothering you in a crunchy ocean of thick horror. With your skeleton still at the controls the insatiable, sentient death house flies off into the sunset in search of fresh victims.