Crystal Baws: April 2015 Horoscopes

ARIES
Upon entering my meditation tent, you must first remove any distracting items such as wallets, purses or phones and place them inside the gold container, then I want you to sit down, relax, and chant the mantra of your PIN number. Drift deeper now. Like the whole world around you is gradually disappearing, dismantling, and my voice gets further and further away...

TAURUS
Your taste for extreme sports comes to its thrilling conclusion this weekend when you decide to go noose bungee jumping.

GEMINI
Forever unlucky, in April you get both your arms ripped off in the gears of a machine at the prosthetic leg factory.

CANCER
Your four year old asks how babies are made. You kindly explain that mummies and daddies can usually bash one out in the lab in a single afternoon, often splicing genes from rats and worms into the mix just to see what happens. Then, after giving each other a kiss on the lips they shove the egg up a chimp and wait for it to hatch.

LEO
According to the sex offender register there’s a pervert living in your house. He’s also callously adopted your name and had reconstructive surgery to look just like you.

VIRGO
You view the traditional April showers in a new light when it begins shitting it down this month. A band of low, brown pressure makes its way over the west of Europe and there are reports of a local weatherman taking his own life as the forecast is confirmed. But nothing can stop the nut-brown cloud rolling in from the Atlantic, settling ominously over the city. Heading to work, you’re glad to have your umbrella, as the first rumbles of thunder crack out from the swirling, tempestuous cloud. A shart of lightning tears the sky in two and it starts spitting, a few flecks landing lightly on your face. The pavement begins to darken as you manically open your umbrella before the full onslaught hits, hammering against the fabric, crushing it like a paper cup as you slide blindly into a doorway for shelter, your glasses thick with ‘rain’.

LIBRA
I believe in you. I believe you exist.

SCORPIO
This time of year is perfect for planting the seeds of hatred in the fertile soil of your heart.

SAGITTARIUS
Nobody ever stipulated which entrance to your body the five fruit and veg had to go through each day.

CAPRICORN
Don’t bother getting a mortgage. Just wait 15 years for the fall of Western civilisation and you’ll be able to claim a house for next to nothing.

AQUARIUS
On your way to play at the wedding you forget your violin on the bus and have to improvise as best you can, playing your armpit as the bride makes her way down the aisle with her tearful father.

PISCES
Stop blaming God for everything. It’s not His fault He doesn’t exist.