Crystal Baws: December 2014 Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 15 Dec 2014

ARIES
Arians like to experiment in the bedroom, and are no stranger to introducing sex toys such a vibrators, handcuffs, car batteries and groin-mounted rat Thunderdomes.

TAURUS
You like to think your body is clean but you’ve never once washed the inside of your stinking balls. It stinks in there.

GEMINI
You tell the man at your job interview that you work great by yourself, as part of a team, or submerged in a mass of sentient jelly.

CANCER
The robot dad you built out of Meccano on Christmas Day pops out to the shop for a packet of cigarettes and you never see him again.

LEO
You know it’s Christmas when the pop-up adverts from your porn searches feature snow and holly on them.

VIRGO
This month you are part of a team that successfully bring dinosaur legs back to life.

LIBRA
The most important gift anyone can give at Christmas is presents. Lovely expensive presents.

SCORPIO
This month you lay a demon egg.

SAGITTARIUS
On the way home you pop into Boots to see if they have any more ostrich lube.

CAPRICORN
Your offer of a handjob only angers the arresting officer further and attempting to bribe a policeman is added to your long list of charges.

AQUARIUS
For the Lord said: “Come unto me, but keep it out of my eyes.”

PISCES
It's easy to forget these days, but the real meaning of Christmas is to BULK UP and increase MUSCLE.

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