Crystal Baws: May 2017 Horoscopes

ARIES
In May when the new Tory Sleepworking Initiative comes into force, job-seekers will need to prove they were looking for work even during REM sleep. For hated unemployed such as yourself you’ll need to start keeping a detailed dream diary of locations in your subconscious you dropped off a CV or asked for work, recording all the nightmares about job interviews you had. You should also note that any dream money made during sleep is deductible from your giro.

TAURUS
You can't even comprehend the level of my arrogance.

GEMINI
Life is like a sausage in a microwave. Make the right holes in the right places and you will be fine. Don’t, and you will shower everything around you in molten sausage like a flesh firework.

CANCER
First it rains then out of the clouds the colossal, tearful countenance of God appears in the sky to tell you He doesn’t believe in Himself anymore, everything He does turns to shit. You try and reassure Him through prayer, to give Him a confidence boost by praising His name and reminding Him that He created the universe and is Lord of heaven for ever and ever. He sniffles and smiles, but then darkens as He remembers every horrible moment of the last 5000 years and blows his omnipotent brains across the Solar System.

LEO
We are all in the gutter, but some of us have upgraded to Gutter Premium®.

VIRGO
I wish you were out of breath because it stinks.

LIBRA
This month you get rich quick writing a book called How to Get Rich Quick by Writing How to Get Rich Quick Books.

SCORPIO
This month while wiping your bum clean you catch a glimpse of the toilet paper and discover the perfect tint of ochre for your new kitchen renovation. Popping the tissue in a tupperware you nip down to B&Q to see if they can match the colour at their Dulux MixLab station.

SAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius’ ruling element is fire, which you harness through the medium of cigarettes.

CAPRICORN
After years of research, your team are finally ready to demonstrate Shark Cannon to the assembled Military Chiefs at BAE Systems.

AQUARIUS
God made man in His own image, and chimpanzees 98% in His own image. Bananas are 50% in His own image.

PISCES
Listen to your gut. It’s trying to tell you something: “stop eating microwaveable burgers.”