Crystal Baws: August 2016 Horoscopes

ARIES
A policeman is exactly the right size and shape to be used as a dildo for a giant.

TAURUS
You're honoured to be asked to be the best man at your brother’s funeral, and you plan to make the stag a belter. With help from the lads, you drag his stiff cadaver out for Blue WKDs and shots at the local Wetherspoons, your brother getting so wankered he shits himself, you vomit on his back and all the lads are thrown out, the bouncer punching your brother in the face and knocking the traffic cone off his head.

Next stop is the strip club where you treat him to a night he wouldn’t have forgotten, before hilariously handcuffing him to a lamppost and shaving his eyebrows off. As a result, he’s late for his own funeral. You and the lads will get years of banter out of this one when you visit his grave hole.

GEMINI
Checking your ball sac for lumps you find a sweaty old quid.

CANCER
Your grandma leans in close and whispers a closely-guarded secret that the chocolate on the KitKats is thicker at the other Tesco further down the road.

LEO
Work is hard and boring but your office’s ‘wear your own socks day’ really allows you to let your hair down and express yourself.

VIRGO
A poltergeist keeps filling your pants with ectoplasm while you’re asleep.

LIBRA
If the King gets all his men to boil all his horses down into glue then he can definitely put Humpty Dumpty back together again. And finally put those shelves on the wall like he promised last September.

SCORPIO
In sex, your favourite bit is when the stuff comes out.

SAGITTARIUS
Little known fact. Men can actually use female contraceptive pills and they are just as effective. You just jam one down your urethra with a pipe cleaner like loading an old musket.

CAPRICORN
The UK is actually pronounced ‘yuck’. You've been saying it wrong this whole time.

AQUARIUS
In August you do a fart so loud God wakes up again.

PISCES
This month at work you’re feeling that you may not be on the right track, although since you work as a train driver this stuff is actually really fucking important.