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Comedy
Crystal Baws: November 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESYou don’t understand why they need to use microscopes down the fertility clinic; you’ve been injecting your spunk into eggs for years withou... Read more »| Updated over 6 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: October Horoscopes
ARIES There will be significance in the pattern appearing as Chris Moyles’ splayed guts hit the floor steaming after your machete attack, perhaps lead... Read more »| Updated over 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: July Horoscopes
ARIES As the Universe expands the temperature will cool to absolute zero, the void will slow to an entropic husk and nothing will exist to even observe how ... Read more »| Updated almost 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: May Horoscopes
ARIES It's not you that's a bad loser, it's that everyone else is a bad winner. Will you ever win in the sexual marketplace? The charts say no. The charts a... Read more »| Updated about 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: March Horoscopes
ARIES Despite the energetic kneecap-breaking efforts of your secret police in early Spring, the rising prices of food drive the lumpen proletariat into furi... Read more »| Updated about 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: June 2015
ARIESYou’re alarmed to find that your period has begun blotting dark red advertising messages onto the inside of your sanitary towels. This month&rsquo... Read more »| Updated almost 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: December Horoscopes
ARIES Yeah, it’s Christmas, but a miracle? Meant to be? Are you serious? What, you think God flies over all the war and famine in the world to come an... Read more »| Updated over 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: April Horoscopes
ARIES April sees you drift so far up shit creek you're desperately attempting to sculpt a jobby paddle out of handfuls of floating faeces before Mt. Shit er... Read more »| Updated about 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: September Horoscopes
ARIES Your trackie bottoms become so far stuck up your crack this month your hungry arse begins to digest polyester and your cells start to reconstitute the... Read more »| Updated over 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: September 2015
ARIESAfter six months planning, number crunching and theorising, you’re finally ready to construct the prototype of your time travel machine. Staying l... Read more »| Updated over 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: November Horoscopes
ARIES Arians are known for their particularly large gas bills, but in times of recession they are also good at thinking miserly. As the builders put in your... Read more »| Updated over 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: August Horoscopes
ARIES A ghostly aura of ethereal bluebottles orbits your gapingly open mind. You might want to have that seen to. At least clean around the rim. Disinfect t... Read more »| Updated almost 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: October Horoscopes
ARIESIn October you finally fall on that spike all your friends bought you for your birthday back in April.TAURUSThis month you suffer a suspiciously realist... Read more »| Updated over 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: January Horoscopes
ARIESAfter going off the rails at New Year and thereafter orbiting through a belt of her own sick astronomers discover Venus is pregnant with another planet.... Read more »| Updated over 12 years ago -
Students
Crystal Baws: Student Special
ARIESAs Venus enters your sign you tell your physics professor about the role planets play in our daily lives according to the Zodiac. Shaking his head he co... Read more »| Updated over 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: July 2015
ARIESThe US announces plans to fit the moon with a giant googly eye to prove that God exists. It is hoped that centrifugal force will allow the googly eye to... Read more »| Updated almost 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: November 2015
ARIES“Is there anybody there?” you ask, huddled around the Ouija board with the other believers at the seance, each with a single trembling finge... Read more »| Updated over 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: December Horoscopes
ARIESMercury is lubing up for another lunge at your orbit. Brace yourself for both good and bad news. The bad news is, despite taking a police baton to the h... Read more »| Updated over 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: December 2015
ARIESYou get a job at the new Madame Tussauds brothel, helping punters select which wax celebrity to bang or roast, presenting them afterwards with their sou... Read more »| Updated over 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: January Horoscopes
ARIES Oh hai Arians! Whilst watching The Room on DVD you start the new year by forming a spiritually unbreakable bond of empathy with Tommy Wiseau. Thereaft... Read more »| Updated over 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: June Horoscopes
ARIES In June jam jar-spectacled physicists at the LHC discover the elusive graviton and its anti-particle. Don’t shell out for those Nike Airs. In 6 ... Read more »| Updated almost 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws - November Horoscopes
ARIES You commence November still wriggling on that spike you fell on in October like a grub on a hook, desperately trying to reach your mobile phone with y... Read more »| Updated over 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: Valentine's Horoscope Special
ARIES Valentine's Day. And you don't have a date! Don't worry, once the zombie apocalypse comes you'll be able to have the date of your dreams. Next year yo... Read more »| Updated over 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: May 2012 Horoscopes
ARIES You’ve always told people you were an 'animal lover' but no-one ever thought you meant literally. In May you experience love at first sight when... Read more »| Updated about 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: March 2014 Horoscopes
ARIES Peering over the railings on a day out at Sellafield, your safety goggles slip off into a vat of highly radioactive fission waste. Not wishing to break... Read more »| Updated about 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: June 2014 Horoscopes
ARIESLike some sort of Hannibal Blumenthal you open the UK’s first human bell-end restaurant, blowing diners away with your exotic award-winning cuisin... Read more »| Updated almost 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: August 2015 Horosopes
ARIESAfter years of the council ignoring your letters and online petitions, you decide to take matters into your own hands in August when you sneak out under... Read more »| Updated almost 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: March 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESGod made us in his own image, but also in his own flavour. Take a lick of your arm – it tastes just like God’s, but less hairy. TAURUSAfter... Read more »| Updated about 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: October 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESAs your body rolls into the furnace at the crematorium after a full and lucrative life, inconsolable family members look on in tears. As per your instru... Read more »| Updated over 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: October 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESBeing a bodybuilder and having a severe allergy to mosquito bites is the perfect combo for getting turbo-ripped prior to competition. Using a shot glass... Read more »| Updated over 6 years ago