Crystal Baws: December 2015

ARIES
You get a job at the new Madame Tussauds brothel, helping punters select which wax celebrity to bang or roast, presenting them afterwards with their souvenir photograph and balloon. Your job also involves giving the groins and faces of each model a quick once-over with an antibacterial wipe a few times a day.

TAURUS
In an act of incredibly stupid generosity, this month you leave all your organs in a plastic bag outside the charity shop.

GEMINI
Encrypt all your messages by changing them into Zapf Dingbats before sending.

CANCER
The police finally arrest Prince Charming for a spate of offenses including kissing one sleeping teen princess and stealing the coffin of another. Prosecutors alledge that Charming’s obsession with inanimate women make him a clear and present danger to the public. Other princesses have since come forward following the arrest, with allegations going back hundreds of years.

LEO
Christmas is postponed this year after Santa has to have all his presents scanned for explosives prior to being allowed to take to the skies. Put your tree up late February and expect the backlog of presents to be cleared around March.

VIRGO
Blaming your farts on the dog is one thing, but blaming it for the used condoms your partner finds down the side of the bed is a bridge too far.

LIBRA
Beginning the autopsy, your father takes a deep breath making the first incision below the breast, peeling back the flesh and laying it in a dish. The subject has been dismembered, a string tied around the ankles post-mortem, but there are no signs of a struggle before the culprit tried to burn the cadaver. Examining the rear he finds it to have been violently violated by the insertion of a pricked lemon and Paxo™ stuffing. This ties it to previous cases, suggesting we could be looking at a serial killer. Taking off the gloves and mask, Dad solemnly announces to everyone’s horror that he has reason to believe the murderer is in this very room.

SCORPIO
This month your cat pushes its head so far up its bum that its head comes out of its own mouth.

SAGITTARIUS
As you slip yet another thick wad of cash into his top pocket, your vet begs you to please start using lube or he’ll have to report you to the authorities the next time he has to stitch your pet lizard back together. Or at least buy a bigger lizard.

CAPRICORN
This Christmas everyone gets together to give Jesus a surprise birthday bash, no one puts up any decorations and everyone pretends that they’re not doing anything special this year. But then, on Christmas eve, the entire planet hides in the living room all night waiting for Jesus to turn up, until they remember he doesn’t exist.

AQUARIUS
On your deathbed you ask the nurse if it’s not too much trouble could she text your mum and tell her you’re dead.

PISCES
Santa cantankerously refuses to renege on his climate change denial in a press conference, claiming the science is bunkum and he has evidence the melting of the North Pole is actually caused by kids getting naughtier. He has also announced the delivery of coal to naughty children will continue despite the Climate Commission’s insistence that it will only make the problem worse.