Crystal Baws: August 2015 Horosopes

ARIES
After years of the council ignoring your letters and online petitions, you decide to take matters into your own hands in August when you sneak out under the cover of darkness to drill holes into the city’s public statues and install a Fleshlight™ in each sculpture’s bronze groin.

TAURUS
Waking up after the accident you find your entire body has been amputated from the neck down and replaced with a giant wheel. Standing at the bottom of your bed, the Police Chief announces that you have been recruited by a top secret division of the Police Force: Wheel Patrol.

GEMINI
Your tapeworm is getting so long you can now wrap it around your waist to see how much weight you’re losing. Also, when you’re done it conveniently snaps back up your bum like a tape measure.

CANCER
Life is like a game of chess, you’re shit at it and a computer can do it better than you now anyway.

LEO
You announce to your family that you will be getting married to your favourite porn scene as it plays on a loop over dinner, explaining that you wish to spend the rest of your life with that gurning, shivering bald man and riotous oiled up MILF whose breasts are like fists and who moans like an old colonel. At the ceremony, its director agrees to wheel it down the aisle on a veiled flatscreen as Bach’s Air on the G String plays.

VIRGO
As the Voyager spacecraft leaves the solar system, it smashes through the crudely painted backdrop of stars God thought would 'do for now' before he went to sleep for a bit and died of a stroke.

LIBRA
The best thing about having a pet is being able to blame it for the turds you left behind the sofa.

SCORPIO
Find out what you like doing best and pay someone else to do that for you.

SAGITTARIUS
Since you bought that place in the sun, you’ve still not had a chance to get out there. So you lend your brother-in-law the keys and entreat him to send you a postcard as he jets off with the kids for a two-week journey into the heart of our nearest star.

CAPRICORN
Snake oil is now trading at less than $2 a barrel.

AQUARIUS
If only there was some way of predicting the future so you could make an informed decision on how to live your life. Then those predictions could be helpfully disseminated to the public via monthly updates from a regional listings magazine.

PISCES
At last you finish your screenplay for Shawshank Redemption II, a hilarious buddy movie in which Andy and Red take the newly fixed up boat out on the open ocean to search for sunken treasure!