Crystal Baws: October 2017 Horoscopes

ARIES
Being a bodybuilder and having a severe allergy to mosquito bites is the perfect combo for getting turbo-ripped prior to competition. Using a shot glass, you carefully position the parasites over key areas to build bulk fast.

TAURUS
You’re angry about all the immigrant pets coming over from Romania, taking all the places in dog homes and cat sanctuaries so British pets go last on the list. Coming over here looking for handouts! All pets should be made to speak English and understand British values!

GEMINI
Exercising your demons only makes them stronger.

CANCER
After running out of toilet paper you are forced to use Cool Original flavour Doritos.

LEO
In October you start a charity to get more UK billionaire businessmen to become batmen. The charity aims to kill prospective bat-parents early in the young batperson’s childhood, then provide them with a tough mountain-based sensei to tutor them in the ways of righteousness, martial arts and batcave construction.

VIRGO
People always tell you to stop putting all your eggs in one basket, but you don’t have a basket, or eggs. The food bank never has eggs.

LIBRA
This month after winning the Euromillions you spend it decimating the rainforest printing out Pornhub and turning the entire catalogue of material on the site into phonebook-thick flickbooks housed in a bespoke warehouse. Just decide what you want to watch, then drive your forklift through the cavernous library to locate the scene in one of the heavy volumes.

SCORPIO
You walk like a man, talk like a man, but you shit like a horse.

SAGITTARIUS
You and your wife still don’t see eye-to-eye on baby names. She thinks that Dr. PooButt will hold your child back in life, whereas you’re sure her suggestions of RageLord and BloodSpawn 3D will prevent him from being accepted into good schools.

CAPRICORN
Unlike dog owners, cat owners are an example of a man-beast relationship where both sides have absolute contempt for the intelligence of the other.

AQUARIUS
Halloween is a strange time. Driving through town you first witness Superman vomiting into a drain at the side of the road, Batman messily trying to eat a burger, and finally Spiderman crying in a doorway while talking into his phone. You lament there are no real crime fighters left in this city.

PISCES
You didn’t think the plan through past the first stage which was “crap in your hands”.