Crystal Baws: September 2015

ARIES
After six months planning, number crunching and theorising, you’re finally ready to construct the prototype of your time travel machine. Staying late at work, it takes hours to carefully winch photocopier A upside down onto photocopier B so their scanning plates are in contact. Then, after putting on a helmet and goggles in case you break the universe, you take a deep breath and press ‘SCAN’ on both simultaneously.

TAURUS
The only shoulder you have to cry on is the hard shoulder of the motorway.

GEMINI
It’s ridiculous that in this day and age we still refer to female human beings as ‘Worm-Men.’ This despite the clear fact that ladies are hardly anything like worms. It’s about time you apologised to the Worm-Man in your life, for all the times you made a sexist compliment and told her how good you thought she was for the soil.

CANCER
Stop searching. The meaning of life was figured out by a single-celled amoeba 3.5 billion years ago. Since then every evolutionary step forward has been a process of forgetting that singular, nightmarish truth.

LEO
In September you astrally project out of your body and across the infinite vastness of space only to discover that there is no fucking Wi-Fi.

VIRGO
After swimming with dolphins you’re alarmed to find a plastic tag attached to your ankle with cryptic characters printed all over it.

LIBRA
Getting bitten almost as soon as the the zombie apocalypse starts is a massive disappointment, since this is real life and there’s no ability to respawn. Thus you spend most of September as a ghost, hovering after your embarrassing zombie body, awkwardly apologising to the still-living people it’s chasing around who can’t even hear your ghostly moans attempt to explain that you “wouldn’t normally do this” and that you “don’t even like brains.”

SCORPIO
Last month you went to Lourdes to beg for a miracle to cure you of the flu. After God granted your wish, this month you return to rid yourself of the hepatitis C you picked up while bathing in the disease-ridden holy waters.

SAGITTARIUS
After dying in a boring accident, you become the first recipient of a new Smart Coffin™. Linked to social media feeds, the casket spins when prompted by news updates about events that would have annoyed you if still alive, from pet peeves to political leanings and sports preferences. As updates like these appear on your feed your friends find comfort knowing that in the cold earth beneath their feet your decomposing corpse is revolving like a skeleton in a salad spinner.

CAPRICORN
At work you don’t understand the meaning of the word failure, or oblong, or the meanings of any of the words for that matter.

AQUARIUS
After a heavy night drinking you wake up in a fox den with your pants around your ankles holding a positive pregnancy test clutched in your vice-like grip.

PISCES
People just seem to want something from you all the time, whether it’s food, water or access to sunlight. Sometimes gets you questioning whether they are your real friends at all, or merely prisoners you keep trapped in your basement.

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