Crystal Baws: October 2016 Horoscopes

ARIES
As your body rolls into the furnace at the crematorium after a full and lucrative life, inconsolable family members look on in tears. As per your instructions, all your money in cash goes into the flames with you. Some people can’t contain their grief, beating their wet faces and wailing in agony as the thick bricks of solid banknotes erupt in flames around your smug corpse.

TAURUS
Your cult has done extremely well this year, with prophets rising to hitherto unforeseen levels.

GEMINI
As an adult you’re more scared of real things, like the tax man hiding under your bed or seeing the shadow of a nightmarishly large electricity bill appear behind you in the mirror when you turn the bathroom light off.

CANCER
Your father has almost been like a father to you.

LEO
Donald Trump vanishes from the Presidential race in October when he has to travel back in time to give his younger self the Grays Sports Almanac he was handed by a weird-haired orange old codger back in 1955, and is now kept locked in a safe at Trump Tower.

VIRGO
There’s just no need to keep going out and eating worms at night. There are shops.

LIBRA
You’re very body conscious. They’re all over the house and you keep on tripping over them which only reminds you how overweight they’ve become. You can’t even shut the cellar door without a cellulite-covered leg or a swollen, blotchy dead face falling out.

SCORPIO
Everything happens for a reason, the reason usually being whatever actually made the thing happen.

SAGITTARIUS
Your friends are deeply moved by the gift you splashed out on for their wedding present as they tear the wrapping paper off the enormous granite gravestone you commissioned, bearing both their names.

CAPRICORN
It takes more muscles to frown than it does to punch a hole in the wall and take a shit in the photocopier.

AQUARIUS
After succumbing to the almost mathematical certainty that our universe is in fact a simulation being run on a computer one universe up, you hurriedly join the Church of ‘PLS DON’T SWITCH US OFF’. Services include begging on your knees to the Almighty Creator, and making sprawling, obsequious works of art pointed up at the sky, aiming to shamelessly ingratiate yourself with the unknowable Algorithmic Architect.

PISCES
Like the fish, you are hopeless on land and can’t keep down a regular job to save your life.