Crystal Baws: June 2015

ARIES
You’re alarmed to find that your period has begun blotting dark red advertising messages onto the inside of your sanitary towels. This month’s reads 'Why not try a cool refreshing Fosters?' You wonder how they’re getting access to your uterus.

TAURUS
This month the airport police in Bali find the wrap of MDMA you forgot to take out of your wallet and you’re sentenced to 500 years in the electric chair.

GEMINI
You’re used to grabbing each day by the balls, never giving a moment’s thought as to why a day even needs reproductive organs. But one day in June you grab the day’s balls so hard it tears the delicate reproductive ducts inside the testicles meaning that tomorrow never comes, and you’re stuck inside today forever like a neverending glass-cock dry-hump.

CANCER
As much as people love cat videos on the internet, they don’t seem to be too keen about the videos you made about the inside of their cats.

LEO
This month you meditate so hard you start to pick up Capital FM.

VIRGO
Your dog doesn’t love you. It secretly fantasises about being owned by the next door neighbour.

LIBRA
In this month’s episode of the XXX-Factor, Simon Cowell rolls his eyes as he stops you in the middle of your limp, half-hearted soapy boob wank and dismisses it as the worst he has ever seen.

SCORPIO
In the pursuit of soft skin and a great complexion, you read in Elle that Cleopatra used to bathe in ass milk. Inspired, you spend all month milking your bum on the rim of your bath before climbing in and rubbing the cold, nourishing, luxuriant liquid all over your naked body, just imagining how soft and kissable your skin is about to become.

SAGITTARIUS
This month you convincingly disguise yourself as your brother’s wife and deceive him into having sex with you, but during the act he accidentally calls out your real name and you’re left a little bit freaked out that you’re even related to this weirdo.

CAPRICORN
Capricorns are very sensitive to wasted time; not wanting to misplace a second in their busy schedule they brush their teeth in the shower, drive while they sleep, bash out spreadsheets while they make love and shit out breakfast while eating lunch.

AQUARIUS
This month you manage a telepathic breakthrough in communication with your cat. Melding your mind with the consciousness of your pet, it tells you quietly but firmly to get out of its fucking house.

PISCES
The marketplace meets your demands as a consumer this month when it produces an ultra-realistic whoopee cushion, one that leaves a small red and brown stain on sofa cushions and follows-through at weddings.