Crystal Baws: July 2015

ARIES
The US announces plans to fit the moon with a giant googly eye to prove that God exists. It is hoped that centrifugal force will allow the googly eye to bounce around and judge humanity from on high.

TAURUS
You’re an expert at the crossword maze, that shit is way too easy.

GEMINI
Everyone always goes on about houses being haunted, but due to the amount of people who have died outside, the number of homeless ghosts is disproportionately huge and getting larger with each day of Tory rule. Street exorcists pushing homeless ghosts out of the town centre doesn’t solve the problem, and only leads to thousands of vagrant poltergeists taking shelter below the bridge you walk under on the way home from work. You complain to the council that the tunnel is so over-haunted it’s becoming a safety issue, with the tarmac increasingly slippy with ectoplasm and the whirling tornado of bemoaning howls and takeaway cartons blocking the path to your own cosy home.

CANCER
You decide to have a quiet one this Saturday by going for a sausage supper and getting the ambulance home to the hospital.

LEO
Restless twitching Uranus arrives in your relationship quadrant.

VIRGO
The police are clearly too realistic in this universe.

LIBRA
You have two phones. One for making calls with and the other which you jam up your arse on vibrate mode and call all the time. But your blood runs cold this month when, after a long ringing session, someone picks up on the other end.

SCORPIO
JD Wetherspoon’s now conveniently stocks a little basket of Heinz Lube sachets on the table by the toilets, but there’s never enough in just one.

SAGITTARIUS
As a Sagittarius you should never burn to death because it will hurt.

CAPRICORN
With house prices in the City of Dis having gone through the roof lately, increasing numbers of demon immigrants from hell begin flooding onto the surface of the planet to enter the booming human flesh rental market. In response to the demand your soul gets evicted from your body due to your inability to look after the property. New tenants will be arriving on the first of the month, a family of twelve demons and their rottweiler, Baz. Having seen your earthly vessel advertised in a property shop window in the bowels of hell, the new occupants of your dead-eyed former body plan to renovate the place by pulling out a few supporting bones and putting in a second ribcage.

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PISCES
You invent the world’s first car which runs entirely on scabs.