Crystal Baws: March 2016 Horoscopes

ARIES
God made us in his own image, but also in his own flavour. Take a lick of your arm – it tastes just like God’s, but less hairy.

TAURUS
After you leave your bomb at the wrong train station you ring lost property to get it back and are shocked to find you are charged a £10 administration fee. This only stiffens your resolve to bring down Western civilisation.

GEMINI
Lifting weights this month you push your organs out of your bum like a squeezed spot.

CANCER
As the last bitter nights of winter draw to their ebb, you get cosy and have some relaxing nights in buttchugging fine whisky by a roaring fire with a smooth cigar.

LEO
Your flatmates can always tell you’re masturbating when they hear you shouting “enhance” at your computer through the wall.

VIRGO
The government keeps mistakenly referring to you as a person and trying to make you pay taxes.

LIBRA
You hear on Richard & Judy that burning calories is the only sure fire way to lose weight, so you replace the oven in your kitchen with a blast furnace and it works! You simply don’t want to eat any of the food! Each pizza you put in comes out as a much healthier solid scalding black disc, sausages crumble into ash when touched and lasagnes come out piping hot and on fire.

SCORPIO
You keep telling yourself that sucking a virtual monster cock online isn’t cheating.

SAGITTARIUS
You’re ruled by jobless, overweight Jupiter.

CAPRICORN
This month you convince the betting shop to take your bet that they will make a net profit from all the other suckers in the betting shop.

AQUARIUS
Gardening in the depths of winter you uncover an unusual new root vegetable. Brown, hard and smelling faintly of cat poo, you bring the new discovery inside and boil it up for a taste test. To your amazement a few days later you find some has grown in the litter tray. You must have dropped some seeds when you brought the first batch in.

PISCES
You need to learn to let shit go, otherwise you’ll burst.