Crystal Baws: November 2015

ARIES
“Is there anybody there?” you ask, huddled around the Ouija board with the other believers at the seance, each with a single trembling finger on the rim of the glass. The tension builds as the glass edges forward, nudging spookily across the board to gasps from the gathered crowd, sliding all the way over to stop resolutely at ‘NO.’

TAURUS
Running out of cat food, you decide to blend up one cat and feed it to the other.

GEMINI
Letting one go during supper, your father tells you off for your rudeness, demanding you never fart at the dinner table again. You excuse yourself to continue your fart in the toilet, but he stops you and instead leads you to the new fart room he’s just had installed. The room boasts gleaming floor-to-ceiling tiles, a basin for washing your hands after each fart and a plethora of reading materials to keep you occupied during longer farts.

CANCER
Your head is meaty and hard like a ball of unchewable gristle.

LEO
Don’t judge people for what race they are. Race them in a car instead. That way, you’re all in the same race. Because when you think about it, the only race that really matters is the F1 race.

VIRGO
You’d be the first to admit that you’re the least arrogant person in the universe.

LIBRA
A starfish can lose a leg and grow it back. But when you lose a leg this month all you can grow is a moustache.

SCORPIO
Hearing your 5-year-old crying in the night you get up to comfort her. She had a nightmare about the bogey man. You give her a hug and explain that’s just plain silly, the bogey man doesn’t exist. If you were her, you’d be far more afraid of opening your eyes to see the moist, goat-like thorax of a demon crawling out of the mirror, skittering onto the ceiling above the bed and burping an insane hurricane of wasps into her silent, screaming face.

SAGITTARIUS
When injured it is often best for Sagittarius to be destroyed.

CAPRICORN
Your MP explains in their reply to your letter regarding the situation in the Middle East, that the intricate web of socio-political, historical, religious and cultural problems means the war in Syria is unlikely to be solved by the creation of a gigantic super-robot battalion of flying robots with guns where their arms would be and rocket packs and laser eyes that go zzeeeewwww that can blow up anything even a diamond which is the toughest thing in the world, but they sincerely hope they can rely on your vote in the upcoming by-election.

AQUARIUS
God’s titanic solidified corpse begins to thaw out in Antarctica as global warming makes the glaciers melt.

PISCES
To cut a long story short, you get your bell-end trapped in the door of a spaceship.