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After more than five years of reading your stars month in, month out, Mystic Mark has decided it's time to take a holiday. We've used the opportunity to delv... Read more »

ARIESYou’ve only eaten bog roll for two years but you’re still alive. Just goes to prove that science is bullshit. TAURUSNo matter how many of t... Read more »

ARIESPainstakingly you Domestos your teleportation hub’s interior prior to its 'first human test' only to forget about the Tamagotchi in your pocket. R... Read more »

ARIES Your intestinal parasite has gotten rather large lately, and this month things cross a very special barrier when you finally become the parasite trappe... Read more »

ARIESThis month a fully-operational Death Star moves into your chart while searching out remaining Rebel bases in the Hoth system, inadvertently detecting ... Read more »

ARIESWhile scuba diving this month you accidentally mix-up your oxygen tank with a pressurised colostomy tank. The first breaths taste of farts so you toggle... Read more »

ARIESAfter weeks of paranormal torment you discover the reason your fridge barks like a rottweiler, your walls have been bleeding, and gallons of maggots hav... Read more »

ARIESAfter being on the waiting list for years about your depression, following a groundbreaking 36 hour medical procedure you become the recipient of the wo... Read more »

ARIES With your guts heaving you scour the streets this Christmas for somewhere to use the loo only to be told there is “no room at the inn” time... Read more »

ARIESYour problems with premature ejaculation reach their peak this month when you blow your load the moment the tip of your penis enters the snake’s v... Read more »

ARIESYour dog does a giant turd in the park. It’s so big that people walk over to comment on it, joggers stop to take photos on their phones. It is, wi... Read more »

ARIESFor weeks you’ve complained to your partner of feelings of love, involuntary singing, clapping and speaking in tongues. In your hysteria you even ... Read more »

ARIESYou become hooked on the new fight-date website, OkDickhead! Thanks to its revolutionary matching algorithm it’s now easier than ever to find some... Read more »

ARIESYou and your partner have a lot in common: you both hate each other’s guts. TAURUSYou feel like hell is being demonised with propaganda. GEMINIW... Read more »

ARIESThis month you finally find your soul mate. Lucky for you it turns out to be twins.TAURUS10 minutes after taking the red pill you’re still enthusi... Read more »

ARIES This month your local priest finally agrees to consecrate your bottle of Buckfast, thus adding a heavy dose of caffeine, sodium glycerophosphate, dipot... Read more »

ARIES When the star M38b unexpectedly goes supernova in September an entire section of your personality suddenly disappears. It is the astrological equivalen... Read more »

ARIES Finally you go on that holiday to Thailand hoping to find yourself. Instead you end up finding bits of yourself in the hotel shower plug hole after con... Read more »

ARIES This month God breaks millennia of silence to speak directly to you, telling you that he thinks you probably have schizophrenia and you should get some... Read more »

ARIESIn a bid to convince your new neighbours that they needn’t worry about you, you invite the whole street round for tea, biscuits and a three-hour P... Read more »

ARIESArians like to experiment in the bedroom, and are no stranger to introducing sex toys such a vibrators, handcuffs, car batteries and groin-mounted rat T... Read more »

ARIESWhen your wife asks you if her bum looks big in a new dress, always tell her the truth: that you are the Lord of Chaos and that upon the rising of the b... Read more »

ARIESUpon entering my meditation tent, you must first remove any distracting items such as wallets, purses or phones and place them inside the gold container... Read more »

ARIESThis month, having heard that methane released in cow farts is a major factor contributing to global warming, you invent a revolutionary new wind turbin... Read more »

ARIESYour circle of friends appears to be just that; a circle of sinister hooded figures stood around you chanting ancient Satanic mantras. TAURUSPerfume ad... Read more »

ARIESThis year the ghost of Christmas past is a bit too far in the past, it’s a Neanderthal from 500,000 BC – blindly unaware of the birth of Chr... Read more »

ARIESAnything you do in the garden is called gardening: rolling around in the mud drunk, smoking a few tabs and shouting at the neighbour’s cat. It can... Read more »

ARIESIn May when the new Tory Sleepworking Initiative comes into force, job-seekers will need to prove they were looking for work even during REM sleep. For ... Read more »

ARIESTo make matters worse, this month you find out that ISIS don’t even believe in Santa. TAURUSGive your body clock a good wind up with half a beak ... Read more »

ARIESOur God is a nerd god – the universe He made is all about geek subjects like mathematics and science. Not like the cool Gods out there who built e... Read more »