Fast Food Fails: Phagomania

This column has always had one constant theme – creative individuals. The mavericks, the Renaissance men and women, not afraid of any corner of the kitchen cupboard or deep frier. From talented photographers to home cooks and bloggers, if you want to see a burger sculpture or a pizza portrait, there is a free spirit out there willing to try it.

But what happens on the other side of the coin, when the global conglomerates attempt to push the culinary boundaries? They’ve used the powers of mass production to bring us the fast food we all know so well; now let's see whether the big boys' attempts at creativity end up as a fast food #win or a corporate #fail.

First up, Pizza Hut, whose long-standing obsession with crust rivals any geologist. Why can’t they just leave the poor edges alone? It started with stuffing them with cheese, which was a dangerous gateway to their later experiments. First there was the Hotdog Stuffed Crust, which was trialled here in the UK. Not to be outdone, the US took things a step further with a crust consisting of 28 mini hotdogs. The bizarre creation looks like a cross between a pizza and a canapé platter of open-ended sausage rolls. 

Most recently, the Hut raised the ante with a New Zealand exclusive that will cause disgust and jealousy to ripple equally across the land. Behold… the Hash Brown Stuffed Crust pizza. This carb attack redefines which meal of the day a pizza could be considered for.

Burger King are also guilty of dubious regional experiments on their menus. A sweet and savoury car crash awaited unsuspecting US customers in the form of a Bacon Sundae. A typical BK ice cream is sprinkled with bacon bits and served complete with a thick-cut, hardwood smoked bacon garnish. It’s like your grandad trying to be cool.

Meanwhile in Japan, Burger King have undoubtedly produced the stuff of freakish burger nightmares. Coloured burgers seems to be a bit of a 'thing' in the Asian market (with rival McDonalds producing a silver burger in China) but Kuro Burger is a certain game changer, complete with black bun, sauce and cheese. It looks like what Death would eat if he rode a skateboard instead of a horse. This was followed up last year by an irradiant red burger, complete with ‘angry sauce.’

Not to be outdone, fast food heavyweight McDonalds stepped into the ring this year with our personal favourite: McChoco Potatoes. Yes, that’s fries with milk and white chocolate sauce drizzled all over them. McMadness. Perhaps sensibly, the chosen test market for these is, you guessed it, Japan. So the deranged and the curious among you will have to wait. Or you could just do what some folk have been doing for years, sticking their fries into their McFlurry. We own that one – and they can’t take that from us!