Phagomania: Crazy Cocktails

It’s officially summer; cocktail time. If the cool, fruity tipples that are synonymous with hot holidays have got you raiding the cupboards and shaking your mixer, then welcome to the next level. We ask, ‘Why stop at regular ingredients’ and sample the freakiest concoctions that the interweb has to offer.

The Meaty

Here's a coolness test – had much meat in your cocktails lately? The latest trend for 2016 is meaty cocktails which are currently doing the rounds at a host of high-end London establishments. Typically a bewildering array of ingredients are quoted at you, reading more like a mains menu than a drinks list.

Take, for example, the Deer Hunter (from London's Shrub and Shutter), comprised of Tincup Bourbon, smoking pipe bitters, Capovilla grappa, orange, tobacco amarone and birch sap with a garnish of venison carpaccio. Bill and Tonic (at Seven in Brixton) works biltong into the gin-based classic. Meanwhile London fusion restaurant Sushi Samba offers the Kobe Cocktail, essentially an Old Fashioned washed with high grade Kobe beef fat. 

The Glitzy

So once upon a time, Hollywood’s Vaucluse Lounge decided creating a $10,000 Diamond-Infused Martini was a good idea, with boutique French vodka left to infuse with diamonds (not known for their dissolubility). They invited US rappers Big Sean and 2 Chainz to come along and sample their cocktail swag. “Taste like a Rolex,” remarked 2 Chainz, while Big Sean said: “This is James Bond right here.” 2 Chainz later confessed that he can’t taste any difference, opining: “Who the f**k buys a $10,000 martini?” It's a fair point.

As if diamond martinis weren't bling enough, the Guinness World Record holder for most expensive cocktail is The Winston from Club 23, Melbourne, setting you back a frankly unjustifiable $12,916. This is mainly due to the 1858 Croizet cognac, as drunk by Churchill on D-Day. Together with an extravagant garnish and various elements you will never have heard of, it takes two days to make.

The Bloody Merciless

Of course the original savoury shake-up cocktail is the good ol’ Bloody Mary. Over the pond, enthusiasm for the garnish has gona way too far. If hamburgers and fried crab sound like outlandish garnish items, try the following offering crafted by comedian/writer Randy Liedkte: a footlong sub, four pieces of fried chicken, a full pepperoni pizza, two double cheeseburgers, another smaller Bloody Mary, onion rings, fries, garlic bread, pickles, olives, an onion, a lemon, a lime, and a jalapeño. We'll stick to the whole crab, thank you very much.

The Squeaky Clean

Lounge Bohemia in Shoreditch has a reputation for pushing the mixology boundaries, while keeping things predominantly meat-free, unlike many of its London brethren. Our personal favourite is the bubble bath martini; a classic martini glass comes with joyous mounds of bubbles and a mini rubber duck. An institution that keeps its cards very close to its chest, the secret of the foam remains closely guarded.

The Confused

If you find tossing ice cream into a sweet fizzy drink a little bit much for a regular ice cream float, then you will be truly undone by a beer float. While there are many establishments around the world offering these, in lieu of a local option we decided to create one of these ourselves to sample.

We opted for a dark, strong Czech porter with vanilla ice cream. ‘Almost nice’ best sums up our experience – the flavour of a porter or stout, rich and chocolatey, coupled with the ice cream is a lovely, lovely thing. However the sour notes inherent in the beer are unavoidable but unwelcome guests to this tastebud party.

#cookiemonstercocktail I'll take one right now!

A photo posted by Jana Salinas (@whomadethecookies) on Aug 30, 2015 at 9:29am PDT

The Dessert

No other cocktail is more fun than the Cookie Monster. A typically milky, boozy and sweet delight topped with blue frosting, marshmallow eyes and – in an absolute masterstroke – an oreo cookie substituted for the Cookie Monster’s mouth. Num, num, num indeed.

The Gag

So by now you've consumed around 80-odd ingredients and around £16,000 worth of booze – how to finish the evening? There's a few good candidates for this (ever tried the charmingly titled ‘Horse Jizz’ mixture of beer and milk?) but the best/worst candidate we've seen is the Smoker’s Cough; it's a measure of mayonnaise and a shot of Jägermeister. It sounds bad, it looks vile and it is not just the taste but the sensation you have to worry about. Cheers.