The Skinny's Super-Serious Christmas Food Gift Guide

There are certain times of the year when minds seem to synchronise, and the cultural world seems to reach an unambiguous consensus on what exactly is important at that time. Christmas is one of those times, with everyone fussing and fretting over salmonella, exploding trees, and what to buy everyone. Well, we covered food poisoning and Yuletide danger last year, so this year we thought we’d give shopping advice a bash. After all, we run a serious food section, and this is a serious time of year. Serious.

MOTHERS
Definites are hard to come by when Christmas presents are concerned, but as the gift guides of the world will tell you, mothers definitely want chocolate. Don’t bother asking them, or checking whether then have any kind of allergies or dislikes towards chocolate, just go with the flow. The trick is to pick up some chocolate that’s so outrageously exuberant that momma will completely forget about her lactose intolerance, and Hotel Chocolat is an ideal place to get just such the thing.  

Your only problem will be choosing between The Party Piece, a ridiculous and slightly-daft 140-piece chocolate box, and In the Chic Midwinter, the ridiculous and slightly-daft limited edition, and ‘individually numbered,’ chocolate winter scene in its own handmade display case. You won’t get accused of taking the cheap and clichéd option, that’s for sure. Other questions will be asked, but no-one will call you cheap.

CHILDREN
While we’re doping up one end of the family with caffeine and sugar, it feels like a good idea to get the lot at the other end as well. Yes, it’s children! Sweets are a good choice for this lot too, as anything else you buy them will just end up lost, broken or gnawed on anyway. The gift of confectionary encourages sharing, and brings us all together. That’s right, we are literally advocating taking candy from babies.

Eschew the normal selection box though, and get them something a bit more creative. Something like fudge branded as Cubed Earwax, or a jar of, ahem, Tinned Fear. The Hoxton Street Monster Supplies range of sweets are sold in support of a non-profit children’s writing organisation, and the packaging features stories from the likes of Nick Hornby and David Nicholls. The stories will handily distract the recipient as you nick half of their Christmas present, before bounding out of the room on your long, grown-up legs like a boss.

‘THE PERSON WHO HAS EVERYTHING’
The ‘patient zero’ of the gift guide, this person would normally be referred to as a picky bastard if we weren’t so full of Christmas cheer. They don’t have everything, they just have a smart remark or wisecrack to make about every present you’ve ever given them. Hence your turning to a guide written by a professional wisecracker to find them a gift that they won’t wrinkle their nose at, because apparently it takes one to know one. 

So what to get ‘em? Well, it’s got to be rare, and interesting. It has to have curiousity value, as well as having a genuine use. Oh, and it can't cost too much, because you should never throw good money after bad. Step forward, Ghost Deer from Brewdog. At 28%, it’s the world’s strongest fermented beer, hitting the rare and interesting buttons right away. It comes in a 6cl bottle, making it cheap, and it looks incredible, like a pimp’s bottle of Tipp-ex. Plus, it’s useful, because you can drink it. Not sure if you should, but you definitely can. There you are, problem solved.

CHEAPSKATES
There’s always one; the person who gives everyone books with incredibly squint pages or hats which are ‘just a little bit water-damaged.’ Well, luckily the world of food can help you get your own back, thanks to the DIY Hooch Kit from firebox.com. It’s some sachets of yeast and sugar, an airlock, and a box; bundle it with some fruit juice from your friendly neighbourhood supermarket and you can say that you’re giving the gift of home-brewing. Try and say it with a straight face, but don’t worry if you can’t manage.

HIPSTERS
The cooler-than-thou still celebrate Christmas man, so they need presents that impress and entertain, but, y’know, ironically. Presents such as, and we swear to the baby Jesus that this is a real thing, the Christmas Bacon bundle from baconfreak.com. The cool kids love bacon, for some reason, and they’ll love this heart attack in wrapping paper. It contains bacon-flavoured coffee, bacon-flavoured popcorn, a gift box of chocolate-covered bacon balls, and a bacon-scented candle and fleece blanket. Yep.

For the cool kids who don’t fancy a life of constant defibrillation, why not try some toast-shaped USB hand warmers? Plug ‘em into your computer, put them on your hands and bingo, warm hands. Warm hands which are covered in giant, uncomfortably twee pieces of felt toast. It’s original, if nothing else. Oh sorry, that should be original, and nothing else.

MISCELLANEOUS ‘STOCKING FILLING’ TAT 
Yes, it’s the bit of the gift guide where the presents that don’t fit any particular category wind up. Presents like musical wine glasses, which take the simple joy of making funny noises with the rim of a glass of wine and clinically suck all of the fun out of it. Prepare to spend Boxing Day furiously trying to get a perfect D from a flat glass of cava while eating turkey for the third straight meal.

Or if that doesn’t have enough potential to acrimoniously divide the family this Christmas, what about the foetus-shaped cookie cutter? It’s food fun for all the family, if that family happens to be the Mansons! It actually exists as a thing you can buy! Please don’t!

Stick to the sane presents, like the earwax-themed sweets and the 28% beer in the miniature golden bottle. As we said at the start, you have to take this gifting business seriously.