Search Results
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Comedy
Crystal Baws: June 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESDating is essentially a sex interview and you immediately fluff the introduction, not sure whether to go for a handshake or hug. You nervously choke out... Read more »| Updated almost 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: June 2012 Horoscopes
ARIESPainstakingly you Domestos your teleportation hub’s interior prior to its 'first human test' only to forget about the Tamagotchi in your pocket. R... Read more »| Updated almost 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: October 2012 Horoscopes
ARIES Your intestinal parasite has gotten rather large lately, and this month things cross a very special barrier when you finally become the parasite trappe... Read more »| Updated over 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: January 2013 Horoscopes
ARIESThis month a fully-operational Death Star moves into your chart while searching out remaining Rebel bases in the Hoth system, inadvertently detecting ... Read more »| Updated over 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: February 2013 Horoscopes
ARIESWhile scuba diving this month you accidentally mix-up your oxygen tank with a pressurised colostomy tank. The first breaths taste of farts so you toggle... Read more »| Updated over 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: July 2013 Horoscopes
ARIESAfter weeks of paranormal torment you discover the reason your fridge barks like a rottweiler, your walls have been bleeding, and gallons of maggots hav... Read more »| Updated almost 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: June 2013 Horoscopes
ARIESAfter being on the waiting list for years about your depression, following a groundbreaking 36 hour medical procedure you become the recipient of the wo... Read more »| Updated almost 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: December 2013 Horoscopes
ARIES With your guts heaving you scour the streets this Christmas for somewhere to use the loo only to be told there is “no room at the inn” time... Read more »| Updated over 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: July 2014 Horoscopes
ARIESYour problems with premature ejaculation reach their peak this month when you blow your load the moment the tip of your penis enters the snake’s v... Read more »| Updated almost 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: January 2015 Horoscopes
ARIESYour dog does a giant turd in the park. It’s so big that people walk over to comment on it, joggers stop to take photos on their phones. It is, wi... Read more »| Updated over 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: January 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESFor weeks you’ve complained to your partner of feelings of love, involuntary singing, clapping and speaking in tongues. In your hysteria you even ... Read more »| Updated over 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: March 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESYou become hooked on the new fight-date website, OkDickhead! Thanks to its revolutionary matching algorithm it’s now easier than ever to find some... Read more »| Updated about 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: January 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESYou and your partner have a lot in common: you both hate each other’s guts. TAURUSYou feel like hell is being demonised with propaganda. GEMINIW... Read more »| Updated over 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: 2011 Year Planner
ARIES Shat into being by the Big Bang. In and out of great supernovae we were flung in our aeon-long paths in our various pieces across the vacuum; pulled, ... Read more »| Updated over 13 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: April 2012 Horoscopes
ARIES April sees you take David Cameron’s Thomas The Tank Engine face, cut it off, stick it to a real train and then crash it into another train with ... Read more »| Updated about 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: December 2012 Horoscopes
ARIESSince you have been reincarnated in your current form, you can only imagine what horrors you must have committed in a past life. TAURUSAs your plan... Read more »| Updated over 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: April 2013 Horoscopes
ARIES April sees you discover a demonic real-life computer game cheat written in an ancient grimoire. Jump, jump, blink, blink, squat, step forwards, step ba... Read more »| Updated about 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: May 2013 Horoscopes
ARIES After fitting a new kitchen, the plumber accidentally connects your water pipes up to Europe’s largest Industrial Sperm Bank complex. Taking a sh... Read more »| Updated about 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: September 2013 Horoscopes
ARIES All those hours under a microscope carving your CV in tiny hieroglyphs onto chicken beaks comes to nothing. Not a single employer even bothers to reply... Read more »| Updated over 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: February 2014 Horoscopes
ARIES Landing a finance job at Canary Wharf the yellow-eyed intern showing you around the office habitat boasts about the “heat mats under each floor.&... Read more »| Updated over 10 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: May 2015 Horoscopes
ARIESUranus slides back into your sign in May, leaving an immense skidmark all the way across the night sky. TAURUSWhen you die this month God takes you to ... Read more »| Updated about 9 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: May 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESEvery time you touch your penis it swells up. Makes you think you might have an allergy. Talking to the doctor about possible causes, you tell them you&... Read more »| Updated about 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: June 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESThis month your flatmates bring up the issue of you flushing your empty beer cans down the toilet. After a heated exchange, culminating in them drawing ... Read more »| Updated almost 8 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: November 2016 Horoscopes
ARIESFlowers may be growing in your heart, a lark may be singing boisterously of love in your brain, but in your trousers a worm dies of loneliness. TAURUST... Read more »| Updated over 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: August 2017 Horoscopes
ARIESIn August your garden-makeover TV show commences filming. You set to work on the first garden by installing a giant immovable granite skull in the centr... Read more »| Updated almost 7 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: March 2012 Horoscopes
ARIES Saturn’s adverse ring angle means you find yourself still inhabiting a rat-infested basement with a broken toilet and no lights in March. Try no... Read more »| Updated about 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: July 2012 Horoscopes
ARIESThrough your Fisher Price binoculars you spot more UFOs. This time there are thousands of them, looking almost exactly like love heart balloons. You cat... Read more »| Updated almost 12 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: November 2012 Horoscopes
ARIES Your soul is so jam-packed and weighed down with demons that your local witch-doctor finally classifies it as ‘morbidly obese.’ You should ... Read more »| Updated over 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: March 2013 Horoscopes
ARIESYour increasing appetite for extreme pornography reaches the point where you’re forced to mathematically calculate the theoretical erotic value of... Read more »| Updated about 11 years ago -
Comedy
Crystal Baws: October 2013 Horoscopes
ARIES You just can’t seem to empathise fully with others until you’ve walked around for a day in their skin and hair. It’s the only way you... Read more »| Updated over 10 years ago