Crystal Baws: January 2016 Horoscopes

ARIES
For weeks you’ve complained to your partner of feelings of love, involuntary singing, clapping and speaking in tongues. In your hysteria you even begin praising imaginary sky beings and develop a feverish terror of a fiery horned beast at the centre of the planet. You are now highly infectious as well, as a host the parasite compels you to seek out non-infected vessels and transmit the disease. Being diagnosed with a Jesus shouldn’t be taken lightly. The doctor speculates you may have contracted it from a parent or an infected piece of bread. Your only hope is that the white blood cells from your lymphatic system locate the Jesus gestating within and break it down using enzymes before it metastasizes from the heart to the brain.

TAURUS
You lose a lot of respect for God this month when you die and find He lets you into Heaven. Leaves you wondering if he even has a system.

GEMINI
If only there was a protein shake to make your brains bigger.

CANCER
Your New Year’s resolution to lose a couple of feet in height has come to a stand-still as you continue to gorge yourself on height-increasing foods such as chicken legs and bean stalks.

LEO
Stepping out of confession the moment The Rapture begins, you’re amazed to be amongst The Chosen, lifting majestically into the sky. But old habits die hard and you can’t help but crack one off on your way up to Heaven.

VIRGO
You’ve been on the NHS waiting list for a donner to become available for so long, dying of hunger and desperately needing a kebab, feeling so empty and off-colour. When you’re called, the Turkish specialist matches you up to the correct donner making sure it’s compatible so your body won’t reject it onto the pavement. Clutching your mother’s hand, with your father signing the forms for the amount of chilli sauce, you drift off on the Smirnoff Ice I.V. drip. It’s a difficult procedure, carefully inserting the donner into your unconscious mouth, without spilling the attendant salad and sauce down your blue paper gown.

LIBRA
Abscesses make the heart grow larger.

SCORPIO
This month you make your cat eat a communion wafer by coating it in McCoys Thai Sweet Chicken flavouring, and thus, save her from the eternal damnation of our loving God.

SAGITTARIUS
Not knowing how to dispose of your old Real Doll, you dump it in the woods only to find later the area is cordoned off after it is found by the walker of a Real Dog. A Real Policeman turns up, his arms moved by his handler, examining the scene, looking for clues with his glass eyes.

CAPRICORN
As you climax during lovemaking you whisper gently into your partner’s ear “I’m sperming.”

AQUARIUS
Earth is little more than a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam, and God has a dust allergy, forcing Him to avoid us at all costs, reacting violently should we approach.

PISCES
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, which is why your face is a titanic rippling hulk of a face. From modest beginnings you’ve bulked up your once scrawny visage using protein whey and steroids to win over 16 face-building championships. At this month’s final, you constrict your taut, sinewy lips over your teeth until they crack under the explosive hydraulic force of your smile, gurning your veiny, pulsating face for the judges who applaud your oiled mug muscles and stick a ribbon on your enormous twitching cheek.