Crystal Baws: August 2017 Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 01 Aug 2017

ARIES
In August your garden-makeover TV show commences filming. You set to work on the first garden by installing a giant immovable granite skull in the centre of the lawn – tastefully lit from behind by a burning tyre pyramid – and spare no expense on the centrepiece: a beautiful water feature cleverly making use of the underground sewer, rerouted up to a tasteful, chunky waterfall in the rockery.

TAURUS
If only your memory foam mattress could forget.

GEMINI
Every day is a gift. You unwrap it each morning, disappointed, trying to force a smile, before asking reality if it has the receipt.

CANCER
You smell so much I can see it.

LEO
It seems clear to you there’s a curse on the food bank. Everyone who goes appears to be having terrible luck. Everything stacked against them. Must be some sort of Romanian gypsy curse. Maybe if we drive out the gypsies the curse will end, and everyone will live happily ever after under the Tory government.

VIRGO
It’s you versus you out there, so you know your own weak points and should be able to take yourself out with one punch.

LIBRA
After giving in to your child’s demands for a pet, you find the process spirals out of your control as each pet takes on a pet of its own. Now you find your dog's cat's fish's hamster's lizard's snake has decided it wants a puppy after slithering past the pet shop and seeing the cutest little thing barking and playing in the window. OK, you say, but if the puppy wants a pet, it has to pay for it out of its own pocket money.

SCORPIO
Not content with hitting rock bottom you seem to have developed special life-drilling tools that take you even deeper through the mantle and down into the molten core.

SAGITTARIUS
Superman wasn’t even a man, he was an alien. And his powers were normal for his species so he should have been called Normalalien.

CAPRICORN
After having your forty wanks you often feel like a nice sleep.

AQUARIUS
The crab you pay for legal advice is on holiday this month.

PISCES
After weeks of preparing the documents you need to commit benefit fraud, you accidentally post the practice sheets of forged signatures along with the forms.