Crystal Baws: May 2016 Horoscopes

ARIES
Every time you touch your penis it swells up. Makes you think you might have an allergy. Talking to the doctor about possible causes, you tell them you’ve narrowed down the possible allergens to hands, vaginas, bumholes, kitchen worktops and dog’s tongues.

TAURUS
Schrödinger is perhaps best known for the double hole experiment he performed in bed with his wife. Perplexingly, Schrödinger’s wife discovered that when she was looking, it would only go in one hole, but at the moment she ceased observing it would go in both holes at the same time.

GEMINI
Out of respect you’ve started burping God’s name after a good meal to say thanks.

CANCER
Your bad habits have now expanded to include picking your nose and hiding it up your bum so you can eat it later.

LEO
Stop putting your toenails in the recycling. That’s not why they grow back. You’ve got completely the wrong idea of how all of absolutely everything works.

VIRGO
Think back. If you were on your own without a tracksuit to wrap yourself in at the dawn of time, do you think you would have discovered fire? The answer is no.

LIBRA
This month you finally sit down with your popcorn to watch the BBC 6 O’Clock News, a nightmarish dystopian sci-fi set somewhere in the near past.

SCORPIO
It’s impolite to listen to podcasts while having sex; at the very least split the earphones so you can both listen romantically together.

SAGITTARIUS
Save time in the morning by masturbating as you cycle to work.

CAPRICORN
For God so loved the world, He tortured His only Son to death for no discernible reason.

AQUARIUS
Your head is attached to a bum.

PISCES
The first time you make use of the new Henry the Hoover Fleshlight attachment his smile turns upside down.