Crystal Baws: May 2015 Horoscopes

ARIES
Uranus slides back into your sign in May, leaving an immense skidmark all the way across the night sky.

TAURUS
When you die this month God takes you to one side and explains that all the anguish and suffering you endured during your brief fling on the surface of the planet was merely foreplay for the never-ending ordeal he has planned for your afterlife.

GEMINI
Your dog’s dreams finally come true this month when he finally gets fucked by a giant leg.

CANCER
Your diet of crisps isn’t the healthiest in the world. Try mixing up the beef and cheese flavours with some carrot or vegetable soup flavour crisps.

LEO
Your relationship may have lost its spark, but your shamanic marriage advisor suggests you simply use occult possession magick to reignite your sex life, summoning Asag the Unjust to joyride your husband’s earthly flesh vessel for a steamy night of inter-realm swinging. At first you assume you’ve been conned with a placebo, until you hear some promising crunching noises and look up to see your husband’s head rotate 360 degrees. He gazes at you with smouldering pupil-less eyes, barks erotic phrases at you in Latin and barfs a writhing mixture of lube and hornets onto your crotch in preparation for the crawling-up-the-walls, sacrilegious bang-fest about to take place.

VIRGO
You get your bell end caught in the door of the microwave.

LIBRA
Your rollerskates become haunted this month by the ghost of a seven year old girl who is fucking awful at rollerskating.

SCORPIO
You don’t want to have your heart broken again, so you inject concrete into your arteries in the hope the substance will turn your heart into a solid, unbreakable block.

SAGITTARIUS
Recent studies estimate that humans lose around half an hour of the waking day to blinking, which inspires you to invent a face-mounted camera that takes a snap every time you blink so you never miss a moment. But that night, whilst checking back the moments you blinked through, you blink and have to then check the photos where you blinked only to blink again.

CAPRICORN
Bored in lapland, Santa orders his elves to carve his wife a boob job out of bits of leftover wood.

AQUARIUS
This month you get a flap put in the side of your cat so that you can let any small animals it eats out safely and humanely.

PISCES
In May, cryogenically freezing your tumour-riddled body becomes a better option than trusting the Tories' plans for the NHS. You place £10 in the bank and hope to reemerge in 100 years time with enough money accumulated through interest to pay for the first phase of your treatment.