Crystal Baws: January 2017 Horoscopes

ARIES
You and your partner have a lot in common: you both hate each other’s guts.

TAURUS
You feel like hell is being demonised with propaganda.

GEMINI
When the last few humans are unlucky enough to meet around the dying nightmarish embers of the world’s last bonfire to gnaw on charred kitten corpses beneath a nuclear winter sky I hope we remember what the world used to be like. I hope we can still force out a chuckle reminiscing about the Pen Pineapple Apple Pen song.

CANCER
The air stewardess on your flight interrupts your in-flight movie to vomit in terror and cry uncontrollably about “all going to die” or something. You pause the film and reluctantly take your earphones out to see what the big fuss is about.

LEO
An absolute dreamboat asks you out on a date this month, and whilst playing with your hair you explain you can’t on Saturday, because you’re burying 12 dogs in your back garden. But you can probably do Sunday, Sunday’s good.

VIRGO
This month you go with your gut on many important decisions. Like when to go to the toilet. Or if you’d like to make a fart or not.

LIBRA
We might live in a post-truth world, where photos are easily faked and news is factless nonsense invented by racist click-hungry algorithms, but they can’t Photoshop what’s in your heart.

SCORPIO
You've been born into a time in history where there are refrigerated drinks, yet you still complain.

SAGITTARIUS
You have a lovely glossy coat of thick back pubes.

CAPRICORN
You watch as your cat spots the tapeworm dangling out of its bumhole, the movement alerts it and it pounces. Your cat slurps up the worm like the spaghetti in Lady and the Tramp, locking lips and making eye-contact with its own bumhole in the process.

AQUARIUS
At night, why not try closing your eyes? After a little while you’ll stop being aware of what’s happening and you'll come around eight hours later feeling so refreshed. Give it a shot.

PISCES
For the Trump supporting, pro-Brexit Bowie fans, 2016 was a mixed bag.