Crystal Baws: March 2017 Horoscopes

Mystic Mark returns with his March horoscopes...

Feature by Mystic Mark | 01 Mar 2017

ARIES
You become hooked on the new fight-date website, OkDickhead! Thanks to its revolutionary matching algorithm it’s now easier than ever to find someone in your area to fight. Hone down possible matches based on incompatible likes and dislikes, check out each arsehole’s photos before you give them a 'shove' or send them an insult-filled chat message. After a bit of goading you can see if they’re starting, and if you really don’t get on, arrange to meet up for a drink and have a fight about it.

TAURUS
Going out with Jigsaw from the Saw movies is hard work. You understand that it’s his passion and you want to support him as he spends long hours developing his fiendish and ironically symbolic torture devices, but is it too much to ask that he just empties the dishwasher now and again?

GEMINI
This month you make uncomfortable third eye contact with God. He always comes over when this happens, all chatty, telling you to start setting fire to people’s houses and slaying the demons that disguise themselves as children.

CANCER
The only emoticon that could ever speak to how you feel would be a crying poo on fire emoji.

LEO
You have started to think that naming train stations after monarchs is a terrible idea after spending five hours defusing a row with your wife following a text you sent her saying you were “just coming into Victoria now.”

VIRGO
This month you go to the shamanic sex-health clinic to find out the results of your test. The card is turned to reveal a giant tombstone with the word DICKROT on it. But the tarot reader explains that may just mean “rebirth or something.”

LIBRA
The wonderment of life: a beetle has probably just crawled right inside another animal’s butt and it didn’t even care. Simply amazing.

SCORPIO
Your dream is to one day be able to untie the shoelaces that your mother tightened with her iron grip back in 1993. Then maybe you’ll be able to choose your own shoes.

SAGITTARIUS
In March you’ll cry so much water it puts out the sun. All that’s left will be billions of bodies boiling in an endless sea of dark water.

CAPRICORN
While there are people starving to death there are people out there getting their cats liposuctioned because they’re too fat. If only there were a charity that fed the liposuctioned fat to hungry people. You must start this charity – it is your life’s work.

AQUARIUS
Like your symbol, the jug, you’re always full to the brim with liquid, get smashed easily and aren’t at all conscious of your surroundings.

PISCES
What would you do if it all went to shit tomorrow, every man and woman for themselves? I’d go down to the British Museum and eat Cleopatra.

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