Crystal Baws: January 2015 Horoscopes

ARIES
Your dog does a giant turd in the park. It’s so big that people walk over to comment on it, joggers stop to take photos on their phones. It is, without question, the most exciting thing that will ever happen in your life.

TAURUS
The one thing that makes life worth living is knowing that someone out there cares about you. You’d love that, just once.

GEMINI
In many ways you’re like an egg. You make a mess when thrown from a window.

CANCER
What do you get the person who has everything? Shelves.

LEO
Spiritually, the proper way to love another being is to lightly run your finger over the person’s soul until you find their crack, then jam your thumb in it.

VIRGO
Despite the doctors only giving you a month to live you shock and disappoint everybody by surviving much longer.

LIBRA
You’re like a precious flower; you attract wasps.

SCORPIO
Believing in the afterlife is rather like smashing your computer to bits and imagining it’s still doing spreadsheets in another realm.

SAGITTARIUS
You’ve got locked-in syndrome. You can never find your keys.

CAPRICORN
This month Nuts magazine gives you the award for ‘Most Fuckable Human Body.’

AQUARIUS
The fetus in your womb never stops growing and won’t come out, eventually growing so large its hands fit inside your arms like gloves, and it wears your legs like a pair of trousers, walking you around like an ill-fitting suit and shitting inside your arse like a flesh-nappy.

PISCES
Men only feel the need to use things like Ball-Sac Anti-Aging Cream because they are bombarded with unrealistic images of the perfect ball-sac everyday on TV and in magazines. The shiny, creaseless, digitally retouched ball-sacs we see plastered all over the media tell men that their shrivelled, walnut-like sacs are hideous and should be hidden from sight behind a thick layer of jeans.