The Culture Vulture - What's Not Happening Near You

Feature by April O'Neil | 16 Apr 2006

Edinburgh Festival to be relocated to Glasgow
"We thought this year, we'd try something new. We don't want the Edinburgh Festival becoming predictable," explained Festival spokeswoman Karen Clack.

Lothian Road Vomit Sluices Get Green Light
Half a mile of stainless steel sluicing apparatus is to be installed on Lothian road, in order to deal with the weekend onslaught of 'yellow rain'. "We've done testing in Newcastle and managed to reduce splashback there by nearly 50%. We're very excited."

Plans for Scottish Photography Museum Scrapped
"If we don't ignore our artistic achievements, no-one else will."

Glasgow City Council to establish Smoking Tolerance Zones
Following the smoking ban, special allowance has been accorded to Glasgow, where 87% of the population smoke. Tolerance Zones are to be established, where smokers will be able to receive support in a judgement-free environment complete with music, snacks and alcoholic beverages.

Edinburgh Toilet Door Graffiti 'Increasingly Philosophical'
Drunken university students have taken to anonymously imploring fellow drinkers to re-asses their lives using the two lines they remember from a course on Derrida.

Edinburgh to Close
In the wake of unsolvable traffic problems, rising council tax and unaffordable property, the Scottish Executive issued the following statement from their current premises on the second floor of Burger King; "Edinburgh had a good run, but is unfortunately no longer considered a sustainable development."