The Culture Vulture - Arts and Culture News

Beltane is about getting naked, covered in red paint and dancing about. It's not a laughing matter.

Feature by April O'Neil | 15 Jun 2006

Local Bakery Introduces 'Porn Pasties'
Combining the two passions of local residents and workmen, a Castlemilk bakery is to launch 'Porn Pasties': images of page three models stuffed into puff pastry. "The entire pasty will be edible, we have printed porn onto rice paper and it proved a healthier, less wasteful enterprise. So far, business has been good and there are plans in the works to print football score pies and racist joke donuts."

Hilarious 'Dragnet' Gag Largely Overlooked at Beltane Festival
When local resident Simon Elder hit upon the ingenious idea to dress as Joe Friday from 80s film classic Dragnet, replete with homemade goatskin leggings, he found his humour was shunned at the Edinburgh's best-policed fire festival; one hippy commented, "Beltane is about getting naked, covered in red paint and dancing about. It's not a laughing matter."

Theory of Intelligent Design Actually Proposed By Idiot
Large imports of Darwin-bashing have reached Scottish shores and were taking hold in certain circles, until it was revealed recently that the entire theory is based upon the opinions of, as one academic put it, "some American moron."

Girl Of 11 Pregnant, Great-great-great-great grandmother, 66, 'Outraged'
The young mother-to-be was unavalible for comment but relatives insisted, "This wisnae how Chanellette was brought up."

Miss Scotland Competition Found 'Hit and Miss'
An independant source has identified a series of problems with the Miss Scotland awards running this month, including cases of 'squint-eye' and possible 'Glasgow-syndrome' in among some otherwise normal looking entrants.

Pete Doherty In Line for T.W.A.T Award
New magazine Teen Weekly Arts Tabloid is to stage it's first award show this month and has named the controversial guitar plucking miscreant as most-voted for T.W.A.T, facing stiff competition from other T.W.A.T nominees Vernon Kay and Fearne Cotton.