SKINNY jeans

Feature by Lindsay West | 07 Dec 2007

There was a time not so long ago when, generally speaking, if you read life's labels carefully, you could anticipate what you might get. Flash floods were as rare as they sounded; the Spice Girls were just girls; and the Backstreet Boys passed for boys (age-wise, anyway). Thanks to global whatsit and ill-advised comeback tours, the world is now topsy-turvy, and labels make as much sense as the sign that once disorientated me for ten minutes in a McDonalds bathroom in Strasbourg: "To get some water, please put-on button on the floor." The world, it seems, is now our Strasbourgan bathroom – awash with misleading signage and rife with fraudulent labelling.

Take, for example, the consumer naive enough to stay in all December watching Poirot, confident in the knowledge that, true to their name, the January sales kick off in January. Not so, little grasshopper. Those nasty retailers have been quietly pushing back sale dates for years so that they now coincide with Xmas gift-buying season: thus halving your cash, and doubling that general air of desperation. It truly is a jungle out there, so here are some tips to help you through the foliage...

1. Information is everything
It's all a conspiracy. Shops don't want you to know when sales begin, in the hopes that you'll spend $5 rather than $4.50 on those sequined lederhosen: so you're going to have to crank up your internet-machine for some clandestine help. Discussion forums like those on handbag.com are the place to get the key dates from fashionistas on the front lines. Get the info; show up early; reap rewards.

2. You're a sniper, not a scatter-bomb
Having synchronised watches during step one, it's now time for some advance reconnaissance. Check out & try on your target purchases before the sales bomb hits, so you know what you're looking for in the carnage. There will be sweat, and maybe blood, so get in and get out. Think ninja.

3. Trust no-one (especially yourself)
Without starting a vicious rumour: I'm fairly sure that sophisticated head-scrambling devices are installed during sales season, persuading us that the addition of a red 'sale' sticker makes a swan out of a fugly duckling. It doesn't. Put it back.