Culture Vulture: UK Culture News September

Paedophilia Sells Newspapers
Recent studies have shown that tabloid stories on 'Monsters', 'Fiends' and 'Animals' – all exciting terms for individuals who prey on children – are attention grabbing enough to increase circulation by up to 25%. A spokesperson for one of the large tabloid chains told The Skinny, "We hope for terrorism and royal scandals to fill our front cover, but this stuff is our bread and butter. And when white kids go missing, well, we're set up for a month."

Teenage Ninja Turtle Suffers Mid Life Crisis
Sad news for film fans this month, it transpires that Michelangelo, previously a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle has, since entering his thirties, struggled to cope with a slackening in his martial arts skills and even the loss of his appetite for pizza. He appeared at the Book Festival last month with his autobiography, 'Party Dude', which after covering his glory days tells a sad tale of idleness and depression. Speaking of his fellow 'Heroes in a Half Shell', the story was similar: "Donatello still does machines but his heart's not really in it, and Leonardo leads a troupe of boy scouts. I think Raphael's still doing stand up."

First Year of Edinburgh 'Festival' Festival
Along with the International Festival, Fringe Festival, Book Festival, Festival of Spirituality and Peace and Children's Festival, this year saw the exciting launch of the Festival Festival. The founder of FestFest spoke to The Skinny, "We just think Festivals are fucking great, and that they don't get nearly the attention they deserve." Turnout for the events - where people gather to celebrate, promote and discuss festivals - was encouraging, with twelve free newspapers dedicated to reviewing the events, three dedicated to reviewing reviews and two free guides to free festival newspapers.

George Bush t-shirt fails to offend George Bush
James Scott, a post-graduate sociology student at Edinburgh University was disappointed to discover that far from reacting to his bold political jibe, a t-shirt with George Bush's face on a target, the Whitehouse had failed to even issue a statement. Although one of his classmates reacted positively, even enquiring as to where to get his own, James was dejected, "I told him not to bother, that it wouldn't make any difference."

America To Remember 9/11 and 'Forget About Iraq'
Plans are underway in the US and on British shores for a Day of Remembrance on the fifth anniversary of the September 11th disaster, whilst officially launching the first 'Day of Forgetting' the supposed causes and disastrous execution of the war in Iraq. The countries issued a joint statement saying, "We think it's important to remember the suffering of our citizens and completely ignore the pains we have inflicted on others."