Culture Vulture: UK Culture News January

Going underground

From summer 2007, we are told, commuters on Glasgow Underground will be able to use their mobile phones in tunnels. The Vulture isn't an idiot, and knows this is plainly impossible. What next, wi-fi on hot air balloons? Rocket-powered carrier pigeons? The chat is some shit about networks in the stations, and increasing security. Yeah, so next time the Vulture is lying in a bloody heap being beaten by nasal-voiced hoodlums, they'll be able to video-message 'Mum' on the V-phone as they do it. I prefer to never leave the nest, personally.

Playing bridge

Fife and Clackmannanshire Councils have been arguing over what to call the new Kincardine Bridge. One side wants the Kingdom Bridge, the other the Clackmannan Bridge. As they were unable to come to a decision, the Vulture has been invited in as official adjudicator. Using that tried and tested method of creative process, the office shout-round, the Vulture has a few short-listed suggestions: the Chuck Norris Bridge, the Highway to Hell Viaduct, the One Step Forth Two Steps Back Bridge, the Vulture's Party Bridge, and the Skyway of Dirty Dreams. Eventually it has been decided to call the bridge all these things at once: the Chuck Hell Forth Party Skyway. In case anyone was wondering, naming bridges is a piece of piss. The diary is free.

Witness the shitness

November and December were about as wet as any the Vulture can remember. (The Vulture is old. That's how it gets its authority. And its ease with the third person.) This extreme wetness had cultural effects, not least for the citizens of Edinburgh, who got wet and complained that 'all culture is shit'. Douglas Gordon's 'Superhumanatural' exhibits at the Botanic Gardens are all very well, but no substitute for appropriate clothing and a Bovril.

Fags

West Lancashire Council has placed a ban on 'fag breaks', with concern for the health of their staff as the justification for the decision. Most upset with this move have been the locals of Coronation Street, Weatherfield. Local barmaid Betty of The Rovers Return Bar complained: "How are the punters supposed to enjoy their hot pot if they ain't got nowt to smoke during their lunch hour?" Even more annoyed was long-time barfly and taxi driver Les Battersby: "It's bad enough my wife is sleeping with my daughter and my step-son has donated a kidney to his great dane! This is the last straw!" Local vigilante Emily Bishop has vowed to fight the decision, declaring: "I shall take this one to the Church of England, then we'll see who's boss around here!" A meeting is scheduled for Monday night at 7.30.

The Smoke

This weekend the Vulture is off to London – the town where old vultures go to die. Those worried about the short term health of the Skinny Scavenger need not fret, it's just a flying visit. In line with the trend that 'Culture' and 'the Rulings of Local Councils' are often confused in this column, your favourite vulpine scribe has booked for tea at Mr Livingstone's. Oysters are on the menu. Expect sauce to follow.