Culture Vulture: UK Culture News Part 2
Australian scientists have developed an air guitar t-shirt
Tear It Up
Australian scientists have developed an air guitar t-shirt. This electrified item is motion sensitive, and allows teenage boys who don't know how to play guitar or use a computer to make a glorious racket. Sensors in the elbows and around the lower tummy area 'know' how shit hot you are, and make 'rawk' noises accordingly. It is unknown whether the samples used were taken from Australian rock bands or proper ones, but excitement remains high because self-delusion is tied to the human soul like a vertigo-suffering nudist on a broken ski-lift. Colours available are death black, night black, faded black and back in black.
Cocaine Awareness Week
A marginally wired spokesperson for the Scottish Executive announced to the Skinny in the pub: "we have launched a new initiative to find out how much folk know about chang." Then they called us "sweetie." Special padded cells have been designed for citizens to sit in for the duration of the week, exposed on rotation to classic cuts by Dillinger, John Martyn, and Wayne Smith – to give them a balanced sense of the plusses and minuses of the drug. Studies have shown that after hearing 'Under Mi Sleng Teng' two thousand times, most people are insane anyway. Participation is compulsory for the over-fives.
Designer Vaginas
Women are increasingly turning to plastic surgery to enhance the sensitivity and aesthetic properties of their vaginas. This is a fact. It was on Channel 4. One lady, Maureen McKillop of Dalkeith, recently had herself re-cut to resemble Leonardo Da Vinci's masterpiece 'The Last Supper'. "I just want people to see my secret smile as a timeless work of art," she said. This isn't strictly a fact. But it would be good if it was true.
Safely on the Rocks
The Editor of semi-popular Scottish lifestyle and listings magazine The Lost has left to take charge of a 'heavy' architectural institution in Glasgow. Asked to comment on his favourite novel To the Lighthouse, he was heard to say "I decided to quit while I was just about ahead." So it isn't a simple question of the fickle forces of chance? "No, it's definitely the Skinny, not the wind that shakes the Barley."
Bond on Bond
In the wake of the London premiere for the new bond film Casino Royale, a drunken Sean Connery denied he was organizing a six-way battle royale with the actors who have played the famed secret agent, in order to find out who truly is the best.
"There's no point," said Sir Sean, as he chugged back a sixth double jagermeister while shagging a cocktail waitress. "Everyone knows I'm the best, and besides it would be impossible to get the guys together. Lazenby's work with the Far Right keeps him really busy, and last I heard, Roger had created a crude but effective time machine that takes him back to the early 80s – a point before his nob fell off due to syphilis."
Timothy Dalton is reported to be interested in the project, provided he can get time off from being unemployed. Brosnan and Craig are believed to have had a recent staring contest in a Soho nightclub, where Pierce's furrowed brow fought with Daniel's pout till the tension became too great and they both walked home, hand in hand.