Culture Vulture: UK Culture News July

Goths Prepare For Summer
Sales of waterproof white make-up and breathable black outerwear are set to skyrocket as Scotland's Goth and mini-mosher communities prepare for the upcoming climate change.

Other World Events Put On Hold For World Cup
To make room for coverage of some grown men chasing a ball around for 90 minutes, political events, terrorism and trade agreements will be put on hold until anyone is paying attention. A violent mid-Atlantic hurricane due in early July has been postponed and religious conflict in the middle east will see a downturn as Jews and Muslims take a month off to worship ignorant, overpaid pseudo-athletes instead of deities.

Mind Control Device 'Found'
An Edinburgh band, bent on world domination, have perfected their hypnotizing mind-control device which renders listeners unable to remember what Ian Brown, The Beta Band or Modest Mouse sound like and become convinced that they are hearing something exciting and original.

Scotland's First Suicide Clinic Proposed for Leith Area
Following the success of the Swiss assisted-suicide clinic, plans are in the works to open a Suicide Centre in the Leith area of Edinburgh, with a similar venue being scouted in the Gorbals. Rather than assisted suicide, funding restrictions means that the centre will be, in the words of the NHS spokesperson, "more of a room with an open window."

Skinny Ignores Queen's 80th Birthday
The Skinny acknowledges our neglect to cover the Queen's birthday, and apologises to our royalist readers, as one irate letter read "the Queen has done more than anyone to help maintain the proud heritage of class system, colonial arrogance and lip-service socialism that makes us the envy of those smelly Europeans."