Anti-Valentines Day in Glasgow

Nubile couples meet in their Sunday best to share a bottle of wine, a dessert, a bed and then a venereal disease. Preferably in Paris if money allows. For the lonely, misanthropic or plain foul though, Valentine's Day is a long, dry stretch of sickening jealousy as happy couples skip around as if it were a moonlit Tahitian evening rather than a shitty, rain-sodden night in Glasgow. So if that's your lot, here's five activities to divert your attention from drowning your sorrows in a bottle of Buckfast at least until after lunch.

1) The marketing people behind the 'City with Style' campaign have decided Glasgow is 'The City of Love,' due to the bones of St. Valentine being moved to the city, so a walk around the Gorbals is a must. Buried in the midst of the property hotspot near the bus-stop that goes to Ikea, it's an ideal location for the terminally lonely to go and curse the lack of open access orgies in modern Britain.

2) The key to Valentine's Day is the unexpected revelations of your unwanted affections upon some poor unfortunate. Alas, your advances will be ignored (probably as most cards are anonymous) or cruelly rebuffed, inevitably leading to a debilitating obsession. So buy some equipment to spy on the object of your affection. Luckily, spy-store.co.uk, handily located on Fitzroy Place, sells night-vision cameras, bugs, phone-taps and god-knows what else to ensure your special one can't blink an eyelid without your knowledge.

3) If a group of earth-huggers are ruining your mountain-view, you could try destroying a crusty commune. The dirty hippies first moved into Pollock to protest against a road that was being built, and there they remained, stewing lentils whilst chaining themselves to their favourite sprig of heather. Police stormed in one Valentine's Day a few years back and cruelly uprooted the peaceful, dreadlocked folk. Feeling frustrated? Feel free to stick the boot in.

4) The key to alleviating loneliness is a good circle of friends, family ties, local communities and, on Valentine's day at least, masturbation. Glasgow, previously barren of sex-shops, now has a rash of them to satisfy any filthy urges so if you want to buy a sex toy, pop down to Party Times on London Road. It, like me, you found their address on www.melonfarmers.co.uk, you get a discount.

5) If you've wanked yourself to a bloody stump, been banged up for loitering with intent or actually intend a spot of romance, you could do far worse than having your special message written on an M&M. Visit shop2.mms.com/customprint/index.asp, and you can print whatever grubby little slogan you want on brightly coloured candy, as if you were manufacturing Ecstasy.