Ask Auntie Trash: Revenge of the Theatrical Ex
Hi Trash,
A guy I was dating has written a play about me. We were sort of dating, but he wanted something more serious than me. Now he's written a thinly veiled interpretation of his romantic troubles – which unfortunately happen to feature me. All of our mutual friends have been to see it – I'm mortified.
How do I deal with this?
Desperately yours, not his.
A Lady
Hey Lady,
Break-ups have inspired some beautiful pieces of art, from Marvin Gaye’s Here, My Dear (I mean, he wrote that album as a massive fuck you to his ex, and somehow made one of his best albums. Holy shit!) to Bob Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks and, to a lesser extent, Eamon’s 2004 hit single, Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back) – and that got to number 1.
Well angry break-up songs/albums are one thing, but break-up plays? Oh, dear God, no, I really can’t think of anything worse to have to sit through, and I say that as someone who once had to review Hot Flush: The Menopause Musical. But, I’ve never had to sit through anything that someone wrote about me, and your feelings are completely and utterly valid.
Now, we get to the nitty-gritty: how do we sort this out? Well, you can go down the legal route, but censorship is, quite frankly, terrifying, and really, it will only bring more attention to this horrible little play (Google The Streisand Effect). You can write your own theatrical and brilliantly stinging riposte, if you like, but again, it’ll just be another example of The Streisand Effect in action, plus, the public, who really have done nothing to deserve it, will be caught between the two of you like a kid in the backseat of the family car as its parents scream at each other in the front about God knows what. So don’t do this. Definitely do not do this. Please, no.
What I think you should do – and I’m a theatre critic, so I have clearly made some *excellent* life choices along the line – is do nothing. If the play sounds as bad as I think it is, then it won’t last forever. We’re not talking about the next Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf here, this is not an award-winning, record-breaking play that is being considered for a West End transfer. This is a play by someone who was feeling sad and rejected and decided the best way to deal with his uncomfortable feelings was to write them down and share them with the world BY PUTTING THEM ON THE STAGE.
And really what this tells me is that this is all about him, not you. Sure, you, or more specifically, his version of you, will feature in this play, but he (and his sore ego) are taking centre stage and always will. You’re both hurting, sure, but the problem is, while he’s happy to put your character in his work, he obviously doesn’t care enough to talk about this with you like a proper adult. He and his feelings can get tae, quite frankly.
Break-ups are hell, rejection is confidence-shattering, and it gets very messy very quickly. But the bravest thing that the pair of you can do right now is stand the fuck up, dust yourself the fuck off and move the fuck on. Your ex wrote a shitty play, but that does not mean that you are a shitty person. Now get out there and go see some good theatre, and meet some amazing people. I know you can do it, girl.
Forever yours,
Trashy x
Auntie Trash is always looking for anonymous questions for her monthly advice column. You can send in your questions/ pour out your heart at trash@theskinny.co.uk