Ask Auntie Trash: Fuck Christmas

Dear Auntie Trash,

I have a confession to make: I don’t like Christmas. I mean, it was great when I was a kid and it’s nice to give people presents and everything, but now I’m older I just don’t see the point in it. As soon as I mention this to people, however, they act like I’m a total weirdo. Am I a total weirdo?

Love,

Kissmyass

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Hello Kissmyass,

You are not a total weirdo and I’m glad that you contacted me, because I don’t really like Christmas that much either. OH NO SHE DIDN’T OH YES SHE FUCKING DID.

The fact is that this thing that we call Christmas comes with its own giftwrapped basket of hell, such as visiting relatives, buying gifts for difficult people, and even PANTO. Sure, going to the panto can be fun – sitting there, listening to loads of children screaming in delight/terror, wondering where all these children came from and having a wee sing-song does have its moments, but it’s not exactly the highlight of my year. But, like you, when I share this interesting titbit, along with my usual follow up of “I prefer Halloween”, people don’t know what to do with me at all. Meanwhile I still maintain that Halloween is the superior pagan celebration. Anyone who doesn’t agree can fight me. I’ll be waiting.

The message of Christmas is great, what with that 'peace and goodwill to all men' thing that we conveniently ignore if they aren’t from our country/ a member of our religion/ look just like us, and the encouraging giving to charity bit is also to be commended. I just feel it would be a better use of our time and energy if we looked out for each other during the remaining 364 days a year.

You can call me grumpy and cynical (and you would be right). You could tell me that I’m just 'not getting it' (what is there to get?). You could point out that this is possibly all down to the fact that my birthday is in December, and I’m just annoyed that nobody ever remembers (you would be slightly right). But it’s not a crime to dislike something, and Christmas can be an incredibly difficult time for various people for a whole myriad of reasons that they shouldn't have to justify to anyone.

And these are the people that we have to look out for more than anyone. We may not like Christmas, but we probably don’t dread it like others do, so I would suggest that we use some of that pent-up rage and turn it into something good. Check out your local food bank’s website, see what they need, run to the supermarket, and buy something – canned food, sanitary products, etc. Make a donation to a local charity, volunteer your time for a cause that you really care about, because a lot of good can come out of this with very little effort on your behalf, and it will make it better for people who are really struggling.

Then, once you’ve done all that, you can lie back in your underpants, grab a tub of ice cream and take part in the only good thing about this awful season: Christmas movies. Some of my personal favourites are: The Wizard of Oz, Gremlins, The Nightmare Before Christmas and, last but not least, Die Hard.

Fuck Christmas,

Your ever loving Auntie Trash xxx

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If you are struggling this Christmas, for whatever reason, then please don’t suffer alone. There are people who can and will help you – please call The Samaritans on 116 123