A performance-themed Valentine's Day

Given that my idea of an appropriate first date is either some demonic clowning from Al Seed or a quick burst of Sarah Kane’s Crave (sample line: “What ties me to you is guilt”), it is no surprise that I’ll be spending this Valentine’s Day with a bottle of absinthe, bitter memories and an audio book of Paradise Lost.

In the meantime, more well-adjusted people might be looking for a romantic evening at the theatre. Fortunately, The Ramshorn Theatre is hosting a special event on the special day that marries poetry and performance in an evening designed to capture the magic of love.

This free event begins at 6pm and goes on until 9: Love A La Carte has a menu of appropriately lush cocktails and a special range of performers, who will recite poetry of your choice, or bring Juliet to sit at your table. It’s a beautiful idea, linking the modern trend for intimate performance with this celebration of romantic love.

Over in Edinburgh, Captain Anchor sets his Loveboat Cabaret adrift, uniting burlesque sensuality and old time crooning for an evening of nautical love. With free entry and performances from burlesque songstress Chassy Van Klass, the good captain himself and Lily de Lure, The Street is ready to sail away into the blazing sunset.

While I had hoped for a romantic night out at the ballet to soothe my troubled mind - Swan Lake does not sadly arrive until next month at The Kings and Playhouse - this weekend seems to belong to cabaret. Club Noir are staging a spectacular ball at The O2 Academy, while Edinburgh’s Voodoo Rooms present me with the chance to deepen that heartbreak.

Kabarett is bringing back its Freak Show for a night of anti-romance. Hostess Dee Itsy claims that this will be “a perfect antidote to all the love-heart emblazoned schmaltz,” and with appearances from Glasgow’s ageless cabaret agitators The Creative Martyrs and “freaked-out spoken word from Andrew C. Ferguson,” expect an evening that explores love’s dark underbelly.

The Creative Martyrs are long-standing favourites of mine: looking like a cadaverous comedy vaudeville couple, they celebrate war, the end of the world and European prison life with a breezy humour and twisted charm. Currently scaring the hell out of The Rio Café every month at Spangled, this assault on Edinburgh ought to cut through the sweet hearts and anonymous declarations of love.

In typical Kabarett style, Dee is bringing “delightful dolly & sideshow starlet Chrisalys” north of the border, as a stark reminder that burlesque is about more than striptease. Chrisalys bases his act on circus skills, challenging gender stereotypes and taking on a little of the old school freak show vibe. “We plan to lay waste to Valentines’ weekend with a 'love stinks' anti-valentines message,” admits Dee.

I’m off to catch Scottish Ballet’s Love Seat: a touring video booth that hopes to record romantic stories in the run up to their production of Romeo and Juliet. I am sure that my monologue “She mentioned in passing that she had a boyfriend” will win the promised “decadent prize”, and if that fails, I’m hitting the literary speed dating night from the Edinburgh Bookshop. There’s bound to be somebody out there looking for a Mr Darcy who keeps turning into Heathcliff.

 

Kabarett: 12 February, Speakeasy at the Voodoo Rooms

Club Noir: 13 February, O2 Academy

Love A La Carte: 14 February, Ramshorn Theatre

Loveboat Cabaret: 14 February, The Street

 

Scottish Ballet’s Love Seat will be calling at:

Princes Square, Glasgow: 8 February, 11am - 4pm

St James' Shopping Centre, Edinburgh: 9 February, 11am - 4pm

Eastgate Shopping Centre, Inverness: 10 February, 11am - 4pm

Union Square, Aberdeen: 11 February, 11am - 4pm